Auntie Fashion

Vintage Bra Ad

I remember a time when brassiere ads were a lot of fun.  Before women started burning their bras, advertisers attempted to market bras in an empowering manner, as if they were saying “You’ve got boobs.  Why not take care of them?”

After the bra-burning era, Jane Russell became the face of bra marketing.  Although she was a relic of the previous era, she was also a potent presence: Aware of her power over men, yet strong and independent.  She wanted a bra that could support her breasts.  She wasn’t wearing it for your sake.

Now bra marketing is all about how little a woman can actually wear while still wearing a bra.  Victoria’s Secret commercials are the gold-standard of the genre, featuring supermodels writhing around in a state of orgasmic bliss.  Nevertheless, if fashion didn’t demand such unobtrusive undergarments there would be no need for those undergarments.  I blame the skanky clothes women are buying.

For example, I walked by the Bebe store yesterday in the mall.  It seemed like every article in the window had a ridiculously-overworked bodice.  A Gaultier cone bra would have been more subtle.  A tube top on a trampoline would have been more inconspicuous.  A T-shirt with two iron-on fried eggs decals would have been more demure.

Are women so desperate for attention that they need to wear clothing that screams “Check out my rack!”?  Enough with the ruching and the pin tucks and the sequins and the appliques and the empire waists and the smocking.  Enough with the breast implants, too.

I’m all for sex appeal, but women need to realize that they’re more than just the sum of their parts — it’s 2008, for Zob’s sake!  When you measure your success in life by how many times a stranger stares at your boobs in a day, you have no life.