Auntie Fashion

Lena Horne

Happy birthday, Lena Horne.  I sing “Stormy Weather” to my cats all the time.  They don’t seem to like it too much.  Maybe I should try another song.

Colour Puddle Jump Docs

1. Coco Rocha (Yep, I’m a Coco-nut).
2. Diane Keaton.
3. Brüno (Genius, obvs.).
4. Serena Williams.
5. Bai Ling (Probably the outfit would be on GFY which would be a thrill).
6. Andre Leon Talley.
7. Lindsay Lohan.
8. Kellie Pickler (No idea who she is or what she’s like — I guess that makes her a bit of a water-level indicator in this exercise).
9. Spencer Pratt.
10. Peaches Geldof (That Selby feature of her apartment.  The foreheadband . . .).

Iris Strubegger

Jennifer Campbell at the FASHION Magazine website has written an article describing the sudden ubiquitousness of Austrian model Iris Strubegger.  In the article she also compares Strubegger to 90s model Kristen McMenamy.

The comparison goes far beyond looks, though.  I have a couple photos of Iris posted somewhere on this blog, and she’s partly topless in one and wearing a see-through shirt in the other.  The one thing I remember the most about Kristen McMenamy (besides the time she shaved her head and eyebrows) is how often I’d see her topless in editorial photos.  The girl liked to let it all hang out — just like Iris!

I suppose that’s why the girls at FASHION really dig Iris.  I’ve heard rumors about “Topless Tuesdays” in the office, but I thought that they were just lies spread by the staff of Elle Canada.  I guess I’ll have to wait for ex-FASHION staffer Michelle Bilodeau’s tell-all expose of the magazine to hit the bookstores before I learn the truth.  The word on the street is that it’s going be steamier and trashier than a Toronto garbage strike in the middle of summer!

Nicole Scherzinger

Happy birthday, Nicole Scherzinger.  To succeed as a solo artist, you need a name that’s a little more catchy.  Why not use your full name: Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger?  It just rolls off my tongue!

Kid Rock

There’s a rumor going around that global trendsetter and fashion icon Kellie Pickler is dating entertainer Kid Rock.  Loving the Pickler as much as I do, I really didn’t know what to think about this at first.  So I did what any rational woman in my position would do: I consulted my astrologer.

“They’re probably made for each other,” he told me.  “Kid Rock is a Capricorn, just like you, and he probably finds Cancer women quite fascinating.  It’s one of those ‘opposites attract’ scenarios.”

He went on to mention that Kid Rock’s previous marriage was also to a Cancer woman, Pamela Anderson.  “It didn’t work out, but the initial attraction was there.  When opposite signs get together it’s often all or nothing at all — there’s not a lot of middle ground in the relationship.  There are fireworks when they meet, but sometimes they fizzle out because there isn’t enough in common between the individuals.”

In other Kellie Pickler news, someone left a funny comment on my blog regarding the post where I explained how surprised I was to discover that Kellie got breast implants.  This rabid fan insulted my dear friend Rusty and explained how Kellie had gained thirty pounds shortly after American Idol.  Supposedly, her weight gain is responsible for her increased cup size.

Now I’m not sure what to believe.  If anyone else has anything to add to the discussion of Kellie Pickler’s rack, I’d like to hear it!  Please leave a comment.

Kellie Pickler

Happy birthday, Kellie Pickler.  If loving you is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Tracy Anderson

Click on the link above to read more about fitness guru Tracy Anderson.  She’s an overtanned piece of turkey jerky with ugly hair extensions and an ego that belies her genetic puniness.

I’ve been in fitness and fashion for so long that I can barely remember when I began preaching about either discipline.  One thing I’ve learned in all that time is that different people find different things attractive.

Anderson says some of the stupidest, most-arrogant things I’ve read in ages in her interview with the Telegraph.  The quote “Lots of dancers have horrible bodies” really gets my blood boiling because it’s an subjective evaluation of what should be an objective concern.  If those dancers she’s talking about have healthy, injury-free bodies, then who is she to tell them that their bodies are horrible?

The worst part about the article is that it shines a light on Anderson’s talent — a talent that is indisputable.  She is onto something with her broad-ranging workout structure and her commitment to regular vigorous activity.  I especially like the candid way in which she states that anyone who says “you can change on just three days a week is as bad as any scam diet book because it’s just not true.”

Still, I can’t get past the fact that she equates her ideal of beauty with an ideal of fitness.  It’s simply not true that one body type represents an ideal of health.  That is her opinion, just like my opinion that doing too much tanning and getting hair extensions is like an express ticket on the ugly train.  It’s just an opinion, not a scientific fact.

Cover: August 1988

Context: Princess Beatrice of York is born on 8/8/88, viewed by many as a fortuitous day.  Wayne Gretzky is traded by the Edmonton Oilers to the Los Angeles Kings on August 9.  The Iran-Iraq War ends on August 20 after claiming approximately one-million lives.  Jon Bon Jovi prepares for the release of “Bad Medicine” by denying reports that the song was inspired by Ceri Marsh’s naughty nurse Halloween costume.

Points of Interest: The void space behind the model would last for four issues before editorial inconsistency would once again rear its ugly head.  I’d like to know what was going on behind-the-scenes at FASHION during this era, but I suppose that all the people who worked at the magazine back then are either dead or in jail.

What Tyra Would Say: “You’ve been able to deliver great photos week after week without ever opening your mouth.  But a top model needs to be able to smile, so that’s why we’re getting you a new set of dentures to replace the set you lost during the casting special.”

What Auntie Fashion Says: Luxury goods were being worshipped at this time, but the backlash was imminent.  Twenty-one years later, this about where we’re at in fashion right now.

Grade: B.

Vera Wang

Happy birthday, Vera Wang.  I’m still waiting to hear if you’re going to be on Dancing with the Stars.  Karl said he would do it, too, but only if you went first.

Chris Isaak

Happy birthday, Chris Isaak.  I know thirty-year-olds who look older than you.  What’s your secret?