Auntie Fashion

Kaley Cuoco

Happy birthday, Kaley Cuoco.  I have a funny story about an argument I had regarding you while I was working at Teen Vogue.  I’m glad that you’re doing so well professionally, because it means that I won.

Joe Zee

Bouncing around from magazine to magazine — publishing’s equivalent to bedhopping — has earned “Elle’s“ Joe Zee the reputation of fashion’s bad boy.  Will he love you and leave you?  Probably.  Would you get on your hands and knees and beg him to come back?  Definitely.

Patrick McCarthy

Working for Fairchild publications for most of his life has sheltered Patrick McCarthy from the rest of the fashion world, much like the way a naive Amish teenager is sheltered from the world until the day he takes a bus to the big city where he soon finds himself cage dancing at a nightclub in nothing but a thong.  There are more similarities to their stories than differences!

Vlada

Casting Special Comments: “Normally we only allow American girls to try out for the show, but with Russian models dominating the catwalks of the world, I had an entire orphanage flown over from Omsk, Siberia.  That’s where we found Vlada.  The rest of the orphans are working as unpaid interns on the ‘Tyra‘ show.”

Obstacles to Overcome: Like many other girls who choose modeling as a profession, Vlada has learned to live with the stigma of being naturally thin.  “Look at me!” she exclaims in a confessional.  “I ate a can of frosting for breakfast and I still look like a freak!”

Probable Edit: Ostracized by the other contestants for wearing a babooshka and purring like a kitten on the phone to her American boyfriend, Vlada strikes back by earning a record number of first call-outs.  Unfortunately, Tyra awards the title to a plus-sized, transgendered biracial butterfly with “all the potential in the world.”

Elimination Order: 2nd place.

Robert Verdi

Fashion expert and part-time longshoreman Robert Verdi completely dominated pretty-boy stylist Phillip Bloch in this week’s Battle of the Fashion Journalism Superhunks.  It just goes to show you that a little testosterone goes a long way, and that a lot of testosterone goes even further.  Seriously, was Verdi swimming in it?

Come back tomorrow for the final first-round battle before the quarter finals begin.  The dreamiest hunks are yet to come!

Georgina Holt & Jackie Stallone

Happy birthday, Jackie Stallone.  I’m wearing a headband just for you.

Cover: Summer 1991

Context: On June 15, Mount Pinatubo erupts in the Philippines in what would become the second-largest terrestrial volcanic eruption of the 20th century.  The first Sonic the Hedgehog game is published by Sega on June 23.  Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer is arrested on July 22 after the remains of eleven men are found in his Milwaukee apartment.  The Soviet Union collapses as country after country declares independence throughout August.

Points of Interest: The model is wearing a Jaxsport blouse.  At this time the label was being designed by former soap opera star, Broadway actor, model and stylist Ron Leal.

What Tyra Would Say: ”Two beautiful girls stand before me.  Becky, you fade into the background week after week.  The other judges have to constantly remind me that you’re still in the competition.  Gail, you’ve been asked to deliver an edgy, high-fashion editorial, and what you’ve given me is pure catalogue.  So who stays and who goes?  Becky, you’re going to get another second chance . . .”.

What Auntie Fashion Says: The earrings are okay.

Grade: D-.

John Galliano

Happy birthday, John Galliano.  I know this photo is from backstage at a Dior show, but it makes me think that you would be a swell contestant on “Dancing with the Stars.”  Hey, that gives me an idea . . .

Tom Bergeron & Samantha Harris

Happy birthday, Samantha Harris.  I just realized that you played Mary Ann in “Surviving Gilligan’s Island.”  The guy who played the Skipper in that movie and I go way back.  He’s no Tom Bergeron, but I’ll take what I can get.

Linda Evangelista

You know that a model has something special when you remember the exact moment when you first saw her.  I remember seeing Cindy Crawford on her first “Vogue” cover.  I remember seeing Christy Turlington in her first “Vogue” spread.  And I remember seeing Linda Evangelista in a Valentino campaign within the pages of “Vogue.”

In each case, I was a little challenged by the new face I was looking at.  Cindy Crawford was dark and exotic.  Christy Turlington had large features that nearly overwhelmed her sixteen-year-old face.  And Linda Evangelista looked like a snob.

Not long after I saw her in those Valentino ads, I saw her on Oprah.  My first thought again was “What a bitch!”  I didn’t know anything about her, but I did know that I had never seen anyone who looked as haughty as Linda Evangelista.

Then something magical happened.  Evangelista became the hottest model in the world, not just because of her look, but because of her skills.  Everyone could see that there was no other model capable of being both a recognizable commodity and a brand new face every time she was photographed.  Changing her hair cut and color on a regular basis, Evangelista quickly became the one girl in the business who was equated with fashion.  She exemplified the mercurial nature of the business.  Linda Evangelista was the muse of her generation.

Technically, she was born to model.  The camera loves her catlike eyes and high cheekbones.  She’s got a mouth so perfect that it looks as if someone painted it on.  But the real charm of Evangelista’s face comes from that nose that always looks as if it’s turned up.  It’s what gives her that air of superiority that makes her beauty seem so unattainable.  Her face is so deliberately perfect, it’s as if her genes conspired to make her the most beautiful woman in the world.  You can’t aspire to look like her, so you might as well just worship her perfection.  I know I do.

Cicciolina

Happy birthday, Ilona Staller aka Cicciolina.  I’ve always believed that politics is such a noble profession.