Archive for December 2009
Reason #24 to Hate this Past Decade
Reason #24: 24/7 Cocktail Dressing
When I look back at the 90s, I consider contrived nonchalance to be the stupidest trend that defined that decade. Imagine a time in history when a product named “Bed Head” became popular and designers like Marc Jacobs showed collections based on thrift-store chic. I could never understand why people didn’t choose to just get out of bed without combing their hair and put on something they got at the Goodwill.
In ten years, I may look back at this past decade to find something that I hate more than 24/7 cocktail dressing, but I don’t think I will — I really loathe it.
Life isn’t a cocktail party unless you’re the daughter of a rock star or a hotel heiress. Even then, it’s probably wise to put on something besides a cocktail dress occasionally. Don’t get me wrong: I do like dresses. However, the line between daywear and eveningwear has become blurred. I see sequins and glitz and tits and the highest of high heels on girls working at the bank. A line has been crossed, and it’s the line between good taste and bad taste.
If your life is a party, good for you. Wear whatever you want. Just don’t expect people to condone your behavior. It is tacky and inappropriate.
The Antidote: Separates
The greatest American fashion design empires have been built on separates. Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren, Donna Karan and Michael Kors are legends because they’ve offered modern women the choice to be chic in any garment they choose. This American way of dressing hasn’t been fashionable since the 90s, which means it’s ready to come back.
Bring on the sportswear!
Happy Birthday, Donna Summer
Happy birthday, Donna Summer. What many people don’t know is that you and I were supposed to record a duet called “No More Tears,” but I missed my bus. Fortunately, Barbra Streisand was hanging around in the alley behind the studio that day.
Reason #23 to Hate the Past Decade
Reason #23: Counterfeit Bags
It’s bad enough to make yourself into a walking billboard for some luxury company by carrying around their logo bag. But why would you carry a fake designer bag? Anyone worth their weight in fine leather goods knows a counterfeit bag when they see it, so who are you trying to impress? Your Nascar-loving boyfriend? The broads down at the bingo hall? Your parole officer?
Listen to your Auntie: Fake ain’t fabulous.
The Antidote: Anything Else
A thoughtfully-chosen bag that reflects your own personal sense of style will make a good impression upon people who matter, like me.
Happy Birthday, Tiger Woods
Happy birthday, Tiger Woods. “And as Commander-in-Chief of the free world, I’ve decided to exile you to a desert island for your indiscretions. That’s why I’m smiling. But wipe that smile off your face because I’m sending Jon Gosselin, too.”
Reason #22 to Hate this Past Decade
Reason #22: Makeover Shows
A few years ago I had the chance to star in the pilot for a makeover show. While I jumped at the opportunity, I also did everything I could to try to dictate the terms in which I’d participate in the program. I didn’t want to make another show about the journey of self-discovery that defined every other makeover show. The reason? Self-discovery doesn’t happen when a light bulb goes on overtop your head. It happens all day, every day, and it will continue to happen throughout your life.
If I thought anyone could get their life on track by purchasing a new face or a pair of heels, I would be all for makeover shows. I wish people could figure out that life is more complex than that. Then perhaps they would stop producing these programs that perpetuate the notion that your life can turn on a dime. For most of its victims, it’s crash and burn TV.
The Antidote: “What Not To Wear“
I put “What Not To Wear” into its own category for one reason: It focuses on fit, and fit is the cardinal virtue of style. Stacy London is fabulous, too.
Happy Birthday, Marianne Faithfull
Happy birthday, Marianne Faithfull. I know you want me to bake you a cake, but as a wise man once said “You can’t always get what you want.” His name slips my mind at the moment . . .
Reason #21 to Hate this Past Decade
Reason #21: Shoe Whores
In 1986, when Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos and his family fled the country during a revolution, the world was disgusted to learn that his wife Imelda had 2,700 pairs of shoes in her palace closets.
In 2009 many women believe a ridiculously large shoe collection is something to brag about. I disagree. If you aren’t wearing it, it isn’t worth keeping — especially when there’s someone else out there who would love to have it. Why archive your possessions until they become so unfashionable that no one would want them? And do you really believe that you’re going to wear the same shoes in a few decades when they come back into style? Not a lot of women do. Believe me — I’ve been around the block a few times.
The Antidote: Donating to Goodwill
Give it up, ladies. Hoarding is a psychological disorder, and not nearly as stylish as being nice to other people.
Battle of the Superhunks: Quarter Finals Round Four
Working on the docks was a stylistic choice for fashion expert and part-time longshoreman Robert Verdi. A source close to Verdi claims that he was inspired by Brad Davis in Rainer Werner Fassbinder’s obscure 1982 film “Querelle.” But what inspired Verdi to pursue a career in fashion? The boobs, probably.
Joe Zee’s reputation as a ladies’ man hasn’t stopped him from rising up through the ranks of fashion journalism; his talent has taken him taken him straight to the top. Yet the rumors never seem to go away. Is he Robbie Myers’ boy-toy or would Anne Slowey have something to say about that? Easy girls — it looks as if there’s plenty of this superhunk to go around!
Happy Birthday, Gayle King
Happy birthday, Gayle King. I always thought that you were so much more than just a sidekick — until I saw this photo, that is. You look like a ventriloquist’s dummy. Someone needs to edit her own Wikipedia page.
Superhunks: Quarter Finals Round Three Results
As expected, Simon Doonan creamed Jim Nelson in the quarter finals of The Battle of the Fashion Journalism Superhunks. Just look at him; how could anyone compete against that? It’s as if Zob herself has conspired with Mother Nature to cram as much sexiness as possible into a single specimen of manhood. I’m surprised he doesn’t implode like a black hole under the mass of his own dreaminess.
Come back tomorrow for the last quarter final.
