The Pandora Boxx Interview
Pandora Boxx and I go waaaaaay back. Even before we shared a bunk as camp counsellors at Tyra’s T-Zone Camp, taking girls on a “fierce, self-esteem building adventure,” we were like sisters. So I was delighted to see my older and slightly fatter sister cast on “RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 2.” Of course, she was delighted to consent to my request for an interview, meeting me at the Arby’s near a street corner she frequents. Say what you will about Pandora, but don’t ever say that she doesn’t put the “whore” in “publicity whore.”
Auntie Fashion: You remind me of a young Cricket Blair from “The Young and the Restless” ca. 1983, modeling for Jabot Cosmetics. Do you believe that being a fresh-faced ingenue who never appears to age is working for you or against you? Are other women jealous of your timeless beauty?
Pandora Boxx: I hope that I can have the same pizazz that had Cricket go from a bit part to a lead! I’m certainly hoping for the same in my new career as a reality television starlet. I must say, you can only patch a crack so many times before that Spackle just won’t fill it anymore. I’m hoping that by sleeping in a Tupperware bed and drinking formaldehyde I can preserve my fresh-faced ingenue look. Jealousy is almost as ugly as a 100-year-old woman in a backless gown. I hope people don’t waste their energy on being jealous. Put all that energy to good use, like on that Brazilian pool boy your neighbors just hired. Grrr!
Auntie Fashion: I wouldn’t be so vulgar as to ask you “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” Instead, I’d like to ask you this: If you were a flower that resembled a vagina in a Georgia O’Keeffe painting, what flower that resembled a vagina would you be?
Pandora Boxx: Definitely the lotus flower. The lotus flower begins life as a small flower at the bottom of a pond with all the mud and muck. It slowly follows the light until it blossoms into its full beautiful bloom. I feel that is the journey my life has taken me. Now don’t think I’m calling anyone or anywhere “mud and muck!” It was my own personal mud and muck I had to climb out of to fully realize the beauty I had from within. We all have that beauty, we just need to find it in ourselves. Plus, if my va-jay-jay looked like a lotus flower that would be one hot looking vag!
Auntie Fashion: Phew! I’m glad you didn’t choose the corpse lily or the stinking hellebore. Anyway, your body is amazing! You’re as ropy as a Jackie Stallone headband. Can you share some of your diet and workout secrets with the readers of Auntie Fashion?
Pandora Boxx: Why thank you! Who doesn’t want to be compared to a Jackie Stallone headband? I subsist on a strict diet of tissues and breath mints. I also try and give lots of blow jobs because honestly that is the only way you can truly get great abs.
Auntie Fashion: And it shows, even in your well-muscled jawline! Moving on, of all the reality shows I expected to see you on, “RuPaul’s Drag Race” really wasn’t on my radar. I guess I’ve always seen you as the next “Bachelorette.” Is your love life so satisfying that you don’t need to sleep with dozens of strangers on television as millions of strangers look on? Should I be jealous?
Pandora Boxx: I say even with a satisfying love life who wouldn’t want to sleep with dozen of strangers? When it comes to my sexplotations, I am a bit of a private fake lady. I wouldn’t want millions of people watching my fornication. I’ve got to keep some mysteries hidden in my box (pun intended). Oh, who am I kidding? If it gets me my own television show, I’ll dabble with whoever they toss in front of me. I’m a showgirl! I do whoever or whatever needed to make it a good show.
Auntie Fashion: With your career poised to take off after the premiere of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” do you have plans to stop talking to the little people? Anyone in particular?
Pandora Boxx: Last week, there was this one guy who came to my show and looked at me like I had pooped in his shoe. I won’t be talking to him. And this girl who used to make fun of my say-something-scarves I wore in high school will not be talked to ever again. Seriously though, I would never stop talking to anyone. Everyone who has supported me over the years and come to my shows, voted for me online, watched my videos, sent me emails, left Facebook comments and any other encouraging gesture has guided me to where I am now. I am eternally grateful to each and every person and they will not be forgotten. If it weren’t for them, I’d still be dancing around my locked bedroom in my panties lip-syncing to Madonna songs, all by myself. Okay, so sometimes I still do that now but just for fun!
RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 2 premieres Monday, February 1, 2010, at 9:00/8:00 Central on LOGO. Stay tuned for updates on the Canadian premiere date, and click the link above to watch sneak peaks and read more about the show. Also, click here to become a fan of Pandora Boxx on Facebook.
