Auntie Fashion

Dear Auntie;

If you’re the fashion world’s most enduring muse, why haven’t I ever seen you?

Nonplussed in New Jersey

Dear Nonplussed;

I’ve always tried to avoid cameras.  While I was hosting the spirit of Zob, I didn’t age like the rest of you mere mortals.  If I stayed in one place, my flawless appearance would eventually arouse suspicion.  So I moved around from city to city, inspiring the residents with my divine sense of style and my unfathomable gorgeousness.  Wherever I went, the fashion world followed.

You can probably find photos of me if you look around.  However, I’m usually the gorgeous woman in the background, wearing dark sunglasses in broad daylight, or with the collar of her trench turned up to conceal her face.  I would occasionally get caught by surprise by the paparazzi, and there are few shots of me “improvising” to avoid the cameras.  I’d hide behind Nan Kempner’s jewelry, Andy’s Warhol’s entourage, or whatever was handy.

For those individuals who were privileged to become part of my inner circle, my beauty was legendary.  That’s why people like Ceri Marsh and Simon Doonan gush over me like I’m some sort of a god: For most of the 20th century, I was.  My glorious visage will be fixed in their minds like a flaw in a diamond.  They’ll spend the rest of their days wondering if Nature will ever produce another specimen as perfect as Zob.  Their only consolation will be knowing that they were given the honor to bask in the glow of my fabulousity.

Love and kisses,

Auntie

Dear Auntie Fashion;

If Zobism is the new Kabbalah, is there a way for me to show off my devotion, like wearing one of those string bracelets?

Wondering in Wiesbaden

Dear Wondering;

Worshipping at the altar of the goddess isn’t about adopting a material symbol to acknowledge your faith.  It’s about doing those things that will set you apart from the non-believers, like flossing your teeth, getting a good night’s sleep, eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly.  If you follow this path towards true beauty, then fashion becomes the frame that displays the artwork that is you.

You can always spot the Zobist in the crowd, because she stands out like an exquisite flower, blooming in a vast wasteland of trash.  Nevertheless, if you want to make a purchase to show your devotion to Zob, I am accepting donations.  As the former mortal representation of the goddess, Zob would want me to spend the money on something fabulous to show the world how much you care.

Love and kisses,

Auntie

Dear Auntie Fashion;

What was it like being possessed with the spirit of Zob?

Curious in Calcutta

Dear Calcutta;

Your question should have been “What was it like not being possessed by the spirit of Zob?”

Because I was so young when Zob chose me as her mortal vessel, I had no idea what it would be like to be without her until she fled my body.  We were as one, in a symbiotic relationship, like that pretty, tall girl on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine with the funny spots all over her face and the spirit of some weird old man inside her.

After she left, the most obvious difference to me was the fact that I began to age.  While we were as one, Zob allowed me to remain twenty-one as everyone around me aged normally.  Once she was gone, I began to experience the ravages of time, like the rest of you plebes.  Now I’m nearing thirty-seven, and although I’ve been told I could easily pass for twenty-six, I’ve grown to accept my own mortality.

Zob’s evacuation also altered my fashion sense.  Without her voice in my head, I began making some questionable fashion choices.  Although I would catch myself before it was too late (I never did wear a Juicy Couture velour track suit to the mall, for instance), I knew that my once-impeccable sense of style was now fallible.  I once tried on a poncho, for Zob’s sake!

It’s been difficult, but in the words of Tyra Banks, I’ve learned to “model through it.”  I thank Zob for that.  Being gorgeous in the face of adversity is all any of us can do.

Love and kisses, Auntie

Star Trek Symbiont

If I had to name my biggest fault, it would be this: I care too much.  It hurts to be so caring.  It hurts!

 Anyway, in this section of my blog I would love to answer your questions.  Ask me anything.  I’ll sacrifice a few minutes of my glamorous life to provide you with the sort of “tough love” plebes like you need.

 Here’s an example:

Dear Auntie Fashion;

If Marc Jacobs is the evil AntiZob, why are his designs so popular?

Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Dear Puzzled;

Marc Jacobs’ designs only appeal to undersexed magazine editors and the homosexual companions they dream of converting one day.  If all women wore Marc Jacobs, even the straightest, most vagina-loving men would be hard-pressed to find anything attractive about the opposite sex, and breeding as we know it would cease to exist.

I hope that helps!

Love, Auntie