Auntie Fashion

The Wild One

At this weekend’s Much Music Video Awards, Rihanna performed in a look that is currently leading the pack on the eTalk viewer poll.  I guess that means that Leather Daddy Chic is back in style.

The last time this gay porn staple became ingrained in pop culture was during the early 80s when über cool Depeche Mode released their video for Master and Servant.  Sure, the look had been seen elsewhere (in the dark alleys of San Francisco, for instance), but it didn’t really resonate with the public until a couple of years later.  The mid-80s were harder and tougher than the earliest part of the decade.  Fashion was returning to the streets of the 50s.  Madonna was rolling on the ground in thrift shop crinolines and other second-hand underwear while the tough boys were channeling Marlon Brando in The Wild One.

At this point, the look was inspired by nostalgia.  It was a slick, modern update of an iconic image.  But things have changed since 1984.  Gay pride parades have become a mainstream tourist attraction in major cities.  People of various sexual persuasions line the streets to gawk at other people dressed up in the most ridiculous costumes.  Amongst those marching in today’s parades are gangs of hairy, leather-clad men, wearing assless chaps and bondage collars.  And the crowning glory of their look is always the leather daddy hat.

So I’m sort of surprised to see the hats returning.  I don’t mind when fashion treads too far into camp — I prefer it, in fact.  I’m just not sure if the people who are currently admiring the look (and voting for the look on the eTalk online poll) realize that the look comes prepackaged with some rather hilarious history.  Unless they’re going to wear it with their tongues firmly planted in their cheeks, the joke is on them.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Last night I had the pleasure of seeing the legendary Tom Jones in concert for the third time.  Although he turns sixty-eight this week, he hasn’t lost any of his sex appeal.  I would have thrown my panties on the stage, but I wasn’t wearing any.  C’est la vie!

Anyhow, I took my friend Korky with me to the concert.  She was wearing some of these trendy shoe/boot/sandals that are so popular this season.  Since I haven’t weighed-in on this trend yet, I figured that it was about time.

I don’t really like them — at least not in the context that they’re currently being worn.  Shoe/boots, or short boots in general, are something that normally appeals to me.  However, the current fashion is to wear the footwear with bare legs, and that’s where the look seems to fall apart.

Take the photo of Sarah Jessica Parker for example.  Aside from looking like something she stole from Tonya Harding’s locker, those white ankle boots don’t do anything to lengthen her leg.  They sort of cut it off before it ends, like a dancers foot when shes doing high kicks without her toes pointed.

Most other shoe/boot/sandal combos emphasize the ankle by wrapping it up in straps and buckles and buttons and bows.  Because I’m a gym rat, the first thing that look reminds me of is an orthopedic ankle brace.

What’s worse, however, is that the style emphasizes the thickest part of the ankle.  No self-respecting woman would wear a skirt that was hemmed to fall at the thickest part of her calf, so why are women doing it with shoes?  I’m a terrible friend for not saying something to Korky!  Her shoe/boot/sandals made her ankles look as if they had each gained five pounds.

I’ll be happy when this trend transitions into autumn, because the look changes dramatically when the footwear is worn with hosiery.  Coordinating legwear extends the line of the leg right through to the toe, mitigating the issues I’ve mentioned.  It’s really how the trend was meant to be worn.

Take heed, my minions.  Now I have to think of a way to tell my friend that her ankles look fat.  I think I’ll stop by the liquor store first.

I have to admit that I don’t really pay attention to what Marc Jacobs is doing.  Ever since the Evil AntiZob first directed his evil gaze toward me, I’ve been afraid of him.  I know people who feel the same way about other things.  Some get anxious when a bird flies too close to their head.  Others may shriek in horror when a spider appears out of nowhere.  I have my own phobias.  For instance, I tense up when I hear the name of the so-called designer, causing a little line between my eyebrows to deepen.  I know that if it keeps happening, I’m going to develop a permanent crease there.  Oh, the horror!

Anyhow, I was checking out the competition on WordPress, and I came across the most hideous thing I’ve seen in ages.  It seems that the Evil AntiZob has designed this monstrously ugly shoe.  I guess he figured it would be clever to create a shoe with the heel in the wrong place.  However, to me it looks like something that the freaky girl who crawled out of the well in The Ring would wear as she was contorting her way out of the TV set and slithering across the floor towards you.  In other words, this shoe would be the last thing you would see before you died a horrible death.

I can’t think of a more frightening way to go.

Marc Jacobs Site

Vintage Bra Ad

I remember a time when brassiere ads were a lot of fun.  Before women started burning their bras, advertisers attempted to market bras in an empowering manner, as if they were saying “You’ve got boobs.  Why not take care of them?”

After the bra-burning era, Jane Russell became the face of bra marketing.  Although she was a relic of the previous era, she was also a potent presence: Aware of her power over men, yet strong and independent.  She wanted a bra that could support her breasts.  She wasn’t wearing it for your sake.

Now bra marketing is all about how little a woman can actually wear while still wearing a bra.  Victoria’s Secret commercials are the gold-standard of the genre, featuring supermodels writhing around in a state of orgasmic bliss.  Nevertheless, if fashion didn’t demand such unobtrusive undergarments there would be no need for those undergarments.  I blame the skanky clothes women are buying.

For example, I walked by the Bebe store yesterday in the mall.  It seemed like every article in the window had a ridiculously-overworked bodice.  A Gaultier cone bra would have been more subtle.  A tube top on a trampoline would have been more inconspicuous.  A T-shirt with two iron-on fried eggs decals would have been more demure.

Are women so desperate for attention that they need to wear clothing that screams “Check out my rack!”?  Enough with the ruching and the pin tucks and the sequins and the appliques and the empire waists and the smocking.  Enough with the breast implants, too.

I’m all for sex appeal, but women need to realize that they’re more than just the sum of their parts — it’s 2008, for Zob’s sake!  When you measure your success in life by how many times a stranger stares at your boobs in a day, you have no life.

I got excited a few seasons ago when I started to see 80s workout wear influencing both London catwalks and the club scene.  Fashion was desperate for a healthy dose of camp, and what’s campier than the age of neon and spandex?

Kids started dressing like crazy kids again.  Stylish teenage girls were no longer wearing the same tracksuits as their mothers.  Rainbow-bright color combinations were distinguishing the chic from the common.  Suddenly, it took more than just a Hello Kitty shirt or a stupid Emo haircut to be the coolest kid on the block.

The trend is finally spilling over into mainstream fashion on this side of the pond.  Unfortunately, it seems to have been distilled and rebottled in a more-palatable form; North Americans are still preoccupied with “good taste”.  It takes a very daring kid to wear head-to-toe neon when the rest of her friends are still dressed in jeans and hoodies.

Nevertheless, kids around here are starting to going crazy for neon shoelaces again.  I’m seeing them everywhere.  Of all the trends that could have caught on, I wish that something else would have stuck.  Shoelaces?  C’mon!

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  Doing things halfway and half-assed is the American way.  What’s next?  Wearing a fifty-cent rubber bracelet to visibly express your self-identity?  Oh yeah . . .

Now that Beef Panties are on the fashion radar, thanks to another stellar episode of America’s Next Top Model, I’d like to discuss a few rules concerning the wearability of this season’s hottest trend.

Rule #1: Beef panties are daywear.  For evening, choose veal panties.

Rule #2: Do not mix meats.  Beef panties should never be worn with a pork blouse or lamb leggings.  It is the equivalent of wearing pearls with tweed.

Rule #3: After Labor Day, full-length beef slacks are an acceptable alternative to beef panties.

Rule #4: Beef panties should only be worn to ANTM fashion shoots and NRA rallies.  It is a faux pas to wear beef panties to the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

I was going to call this section “Trend Watch.”  Then I realized that I’m afraid of most returning trends.

Take the camel toe, for example.  I was strolling through a mall yesterday when I noticed a store boarded up for renovations.  The entire facade had been plastered with gigantic images from the store’s catalogue, blown-up to decorate the storefront until it reopened.  That’s when I saw it: The world’s biggest camel toe.

I couldn’t believe that anyone would have chosen that image for a print campaign, nevermind for a billboard-sized advertisement.  I don’t what the retailer was trying to sell, but it was more intimate than a limousine ride with Britney Spears — and almost as disturbing!

Trends come and go, and I honestly love the fact that what’s out today will be in tomorrow.  Still, I tend to shy away from clothing that reveals the private parts in all their anatomical splendor.  Call me old-fashioned, but I rue the day when vaginas are the new black.