Auntie Fashion

CariDee

Happy birthday, CariDee English.  I’d love to see you back on “America’s Next Top Model.”  Tyra needs to produce a new show that pits former ANTM winners against each other in an “Apprentice“-style competition as they vie for the opportunity to sit next to her on panel.  If nothing else, it would get rid of Kelly Cutrone . . .

Annaliese

With only eight days to go until the arrival of most glamorous holiday in the history of civilization, I suppose it’s time to announce this year’s celebrity spokesperson for Wear a Gown to Work Day.  It’s the gorgeous Annaliese Dayes of “America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion.”  What started as a simple idea I had while walking through the prom section at Sears has now become an international event, and Annaliese has agreed to become the first Wear a Gown to Work Day celebrity spokesperson who isn’t an American man in a dress.

Of course, Annaliese and I go waaaaay back.  I first met her while I was a camp counsellor at ZobZone and she was just another homely kid on a journey of fierce self-discovery.  It was back then, during a performance of “H.M.S. Pinafore“ when I realized that Annaliese had a certain je ne sais quois — only more Englishy.  I convinced her to permanently adopt a British accent and to move to the UK to seek her fame and fortune — and look her now!  Not bad for a kid from Beaver, Oklahoma!

Anyway, I want to thank Annaliese for taking on this massive responsibility.  It’s not easy being a glamour icon.  If anyone should know that, it’s your dear, old Auntie Fashion.

Auntie Fashion: I thought that you would be the perfect celebrity spokesperson for Wear a Gown to Work Day 2012 on May 25 after I saw you branded as “Excite-to-Buy” on “America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion.”  How are you planning on selling Wear a Gown to Work Day to the rest of the world?

Annaliese: “Excite-to-Buy” is supposed to mean that I could sell ice to an eskimo, so in theory selling Wear a Gown to Work Day should be a piece of cake (or a piece of ice, depending how you look at it!).  I mean everyone is entitled to feel like a glamorous, sexy being at work, even if it is for just one day, and even if their job doesn’t require or allow it.  If you feel good, you look good and perform fabulously!  That’s got to be an incentive for bosses around the work to get on board.

Auntie Fashion: I don’t want to ask you too much about the show because I’m sure you’ve got a thousand interviews lined up already.  As the official worldwide ambassadrix of gown-wearing, though, it must have been heart-wrenching showing up to panel in those goofy Union Jack shirts while Tyra Banks stood in front of you in a gown, mocking your gownlessness.  How were you able to get through that?

Annaliese: Oh wow, don’t even get me started about the those damn awful T-shirts!  At the first panel when they insisted we wear those tacky, patriotic, ill-shaped shirts we were mad.  I personally was seeing red (or maybe union jack blue).  Every week we kept our hopes up that we wouldn’t have to wear them, but it became apparent that Tyra (or more so production) enjoyed mocking our gownlessness.  So we had to work with it the only way we knew how, and that was to style them up and accessorise them to the max!  I think we Brits were actually really good at it, adding blazers, jewelry and all round British swag.

Auntie Fashion: With all apologies to the eternally glamorous RuPaul and the incomparable Pandora Boxx, you’re the first official celebrity spokesperson for Wear a Gown to Work Day to have a vagina.  You’re also the first celebrity spokesperson to represent the event who doesn’t live in the USA.  Which milestone means more to you: having a vagina or being British?

Annaliese: While I am quite a big fan of my vagina. I would have to say that being British is the more important milestone for me. We Brits may not be known for our fabulous teeth, but when it comes to style, I think we’ve got it covered.

Auntie Fashion: You really have a terrific, athletic body.  I should ask you how you keep in shape, but there’s something else I need to know.  With the 2012 Summer Olympic Games headed to London, are you planning on lobbying the International Olympic Committee on my behalf to include gown wearing as an official demonstration sport for the 2016 Games in Rio de Janeiro?  Would you consider competing?

Annaliese: Well I’ll give you a treat and answer both questions.  I was a gymnast for ten years and while I may have lost most of flexibility, my athletic body has remained, despite the copious amounts of not-so-healthy food that I consume.  And of course I’m planning on lobbying.  I’ve already got the petition ready to go!  We all know that a ball gown is not the easiest thing to get into or strut around in, and in my eyes that makes it qualify as an Olympic sport!  Not too sure I’d be up for competing, though.  I am horrifically good at tripping over my own feet!

Auntie Fashion: Now there’s always someone out there saying “Dear Zob in heaven, how can I participate in Wear a Gown to Work Day when I don’t even own a gown?”  What do you say to that gownless girl in Green Bay, Wisconsin, who doesn’t believe that Wear a Gown to Work Day is for her because she usually spends most Casual Fridays at the bank where she work dressed in the sort of one-armed, one-legged unitards that Shakira prefers to wear?  Can you offer her a few words of encouragement?

Annaliese: I’d say that you gotta be creative.  Gowns are everywhere; you just have look a little closer and possibly tilt your head to the side.  Grab a bed sheet or a curtain and wrap that fabric around you like you mean it!  The Grecian Goddess look is totally in style and totally accessible for all.  It’s also very forgiving on those lumps and bumps that we may want to hide!

Alisha

The term “shocking double elimination” is thrown around a little too lightly on most reality shows.  But on this week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion,” I was genuinely shocked to see not one, but two girls sent packing.  Of course, Alisha self-eliminated when she decided that the entire ANTM experience was crushing her soul.  Alisha’s attempt to save Eboni from the chopping block was a noble move, yet it didn’t fly with Tyra who choose to cut both models from the show.

That leaves Sophie, Annaliese and Laura to battle for the title.  The editors have been telegraphing a fight to the finish between Sophie and Laura for quite some time, so it wouldn’t surprise me to see Annaliese go next.  Nevertheless, I was delighted when Nigel Barker brought up former contestant Mercedes when he attempted to defend Annaliese at panel.  Not every girl who enters this competition is going to be a high-fashion model, but the show has produced a few commercial queens who have gone on to bigger and better things.  And, as Barker noted earlier in the season, the prize package on this show favors a commercial model.  Of the remaining contestants, Annaliese aka “Excite-to-Buy“ has the most potential to turn an ANTM win into a viable commercial career.

Still, I believe it’s going to be a Sophie/Laura photo finish.  I don’t really care who wins at this point because since Seymone was eliminated, I’ve liked all the girls.  As far as a final six goes, I can’t remember a group I’ve liked more.  And if that’s not shocking, I don’t know what is!

Shannon

It’s time to revisit one of the classic categories here on my blog: Wig Wednesday.

I don’t know why I ever stopped extolling the virtues of my favorite wigs, but this past weekend I was reminded of how much I abhor the natural look when my friend Adrienne Butikofer sent me this photo of Shannon from “America’s Next Top Model LIVE” in Toronto.  Sure, she’s no Lisa D’Amato, but beggars can’t be choosers, can they?

I’m not sure why Shannon has chosen to style her artificial coif in this manner, but I suppose that it’s easier than wearing it Mary Magdalene-style, in a hair dress that cascades down her shoulders and over her breasts.  That hairstyle is just for her husband.

Anyway, thanks to Adrienne for attending the event on my behalf.  She’s come a long way since the day she was the face of Lee Jeans . . .

Catherine

I was on an airplane while this week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion” was airing.  Unfortunately, the CW wasn’t one of the networks available on the plane, so I didn’t get to watch it until now.  Imagine my horror when I saw the fadeout picture that ends each episode leaving Annaliese standing dead center between Sophie, Alisha, Eboni and Laura.  That sort of telegraphs the outcome of next week’s episode.  Between that and the editing which seems to be setting up a battle royale between Sophie and Laura, methinks this season is becoming a little too predictable.

Or is it?  I did pick Eboni to take the whole thing using Tyra-logic.  Perhaps it’s going to be a fight to the finish between Eboni and Alisha.  Or maybe I’m completely wrong and Annaliese is going to make a believer of Kelly Cutrone and take the whole thing.

On that note, I have a theory as to why Kelly Cutrone doesn’t like Annaliese.  I suppose that she’s jealous of anyone who is considered to be likeable.  I suppose that comes with the territory when you’ve branded yourself as a villain and the most unlikeable person in America.  Still, it comes off as petty and mean-spirited to criticize a contestant for giving off the vibes of a TV presenter when she could probably parlay an ANTM win into a TV-hosting gig, just like CariDee English or Eva Marcille did after they became “America’s Next Top Model.”  At least they did something after winning the title on this show that also crowned Saleisha Stowers aka Tootie as its winner.  Why, Tyra — why?

Oh well!  Trying to figure out the psychological motivations of Tyra Banks and Kelly Cutrone is like trying to understand why Catherine posed the way she posed in the photo I posted above.  Sometimes you just don’t need to know . . .

Seymone

If I didn’t see it with my own two eyes, I never would have believed it.

Seymone was sent packing on this week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion,” leaving four Brits vs. two Americans in the final six.  I wasn’t at all upset to see the moody model dismissed after taking a horrible photo and swinging her arms like an orangutan while walking in the Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize runway show.  I even laughed out loud when I was reminded of the phrase “It’s not over until the fat lady sings” when Seymone’s exit clip began with her nails-on-a-chalkboard delivery of the line ”Hey, I’m Seymone” from the video shoot challenge.  Yes — I’m a terrible person.  But Seymone could have made me like her more.  I have nothing against “fiercely real” girls.  I was rooting for Toccara during her season!

Anyway, this may have been the most “high-fashion” episode in ANTM history.  Georgina Chapman, Francisco Costa, Derek Blasberg, Sofia Sizzi and Hello Kitty all on the same show?  I was quite impressed!  I was also impressed once again by Annaliese who is getting a raw deal from the judges.  Sophie took her worst photo to date and still placed ahead of Annaliese.  The girl is doomed!

On the bright side, the judges keep telling Annaliese that she should be a television presenter.  That’s nice of them to offer that sort of advice, but I believe that she should take that body of hers and try to make some money with it instead.  The girl has the sexiest arms and shoulders I’ve ever seen.  I would blindly accept whatever workout advice she gave to me — and I’ve been a personal trainer since 1986!  All she would have to say is “do this and you can look like me,” and I would gladly empty my wallet into her hands.

Next week’s episode appears to feature worms.  Worms!  And I’m not just talking about the ones that have taken up residence in Kelly Cutrone’s gastrointestinal tract . . .

Tyra

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I have a sore spot when it comes to reality shows that cast people to be on other TV shows.  My personal experience with “Fashion File Host Hunt” turned me into the jaded old hag I am today.  One day you’re a fresh-faced ingenue ready to take your turn in the spotlight, and the next day you’re Naomi Watts rotting corpse in “Mulholland Drive.”  Sigh . . .

Still, I can’t think of a better way for Tyra Banks to bring her former superfans back into the fold besides producing a reality show to fill Nigel Barker’s seat on the judges’ panel of “America’s Next Top Model.”  If the show has been suffering for the past few cycles, it’s because of its lack of self-referential humor.  At its peak, it was the guiltiest pleasure on televsion.  Then it became the show that everyone loved to hate.  Recently, however, it’s become the show that everyone hates.  Dropping ratings aren’t the only problem.  The fan forums that I used to haunt at “Television Without Pity” were once the funniest places to hang out on the Internet.  Lately, they’ve become a ghost town.  It’s not even that much fun to mock the show anymore.

The problem is that no one can hold up a mirror to Tyra.  Like almost any CEO who has graduated from Harvard Business School, she prefers to be surrounded by yes-men.  The one thing that would make me love the show again would be to see someone seated beside her who not only knew everything about the history of the show, but also someone who could keep Tyra’s ego in check.  She needs some serious snark in her life.  While I’m not really a fan of people who always see the proverbial glass as half-empty, I’d rather listen to the cynical ranting of a bitchy superfan than the half-baked drivel that comes out of the mouths of the current crop of judges.

The worst thing about “ANTM” is that it has always failed to recognize its failures.  By casting a fan to sit next to Tyra Banks and remind her that she hasn’t yet reinvented the wheel, the show might find its model-like legs again.  For now, though, it’s barely got a leg to stand on, and that leg is thick and stumpy, and it’s wearing flats to a go-see, and it still hasn’t learned its angles, and it’s losing its spark . . .

Nigel Barker, J. Alexander and Jay Manuel

Purge!

In shocking news (but not so shocking when you think about it), Tyra Banks has shown Nigel Barker, J. Alexander and Jay Manuel the door on “America’s Next Top Model.”  Like an aspiring model with “all the potential in the world” who has “lost her spark,” the three long-time cast members of the show won’t be around to listen to Tyra as she makes up a bunch of new words when the nineteenth season of the show premieres this fall.

Rumours are circulating that hideously unappealing fashion blogger Bryanboy is set to join the panel which will still feature hideously unappealing PR maven Kelly Cutrone.  Your old Auntie Fashion is getting the idea that Tyra only wants to surround herself with supervillains so that she can binge on more of the superhero schtick that has been bringing smizes to the eyes of her fans over the past few seasons.  I guess that’s why she didn’t ask me to join the panel; Super Smize makes baby Zob cry.

Anyway, I’m kind of excited to see what happens next.  I still like this show and I’ve been enjoying the current season a lot, but I  have to give credit where credit is due: Alisha, Annaliese, Catherine and Sophie are what’s keeping me interested in “America’s Next Top Model.”  Their inclusion in the show has given it a creative recharge.  Perhaps a new panel will do the same.  All I know for sure is that I should be on that panel.  Tyra, I’ll be waiting for your call.  I’m even going to download “Modelland” onto my eReader so that I’m prepared.  I need something to read next to the pool in Las Vegas next week, anyway, and you can only read “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” so many times before it gets old.

Kyle

Poor Kyle was shown the door on last night’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion.”  That usually seems to be the case with girls who I start to like midway through the competition.  While I don’t believe that Kyle possessed particularly good modeling skills, I do believe that she had potential to spare.  Just look at the candid photo I posted above.  She reminds me of Angelina Jolie in this picture!  Why didn’t I see that before?

Probably because she didn’t have a clue what to do when she knew that a camera was on her.  Unfortunately, there are few girls in the competition who have no idea what they’re doing and no one is teaching them to do anything else.  On the other hand, a couple of girls who are really trying are not getting the credit that they deserve.  Annaliese took a terrific photo this episode and was still called fourth, behind Seymone and Eboni.  The week before she was called fourth in the video shoot, despite a performance that was as at least as professionial as Alisha’s star turn.  I get that she’s shorter than the rest of the girls, and I get that she’s got a commercial look.  So what?  This is the show that crowned Saleisha Stowers as its winner.

Speaking of Tootie, it was nice to see that Tyra loaned special guest star Estelle Tootie’s old wig.  What a generous gesture!  It was also nice to see that Seymone is getting Whitney’s old edit.  Perhaps this show can have two plus-sized winners that no one likes.  At least Seymone isn’t in the bottom two every second week, although I suppose she still has time for that.

On the bright side, next week’s photo shoot appears to have the girls dressed like floats in a Hello Kitty parade.  Just when I think this show is starting to let me down . . .

ANTM

Something is missing from this screencap of this week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion.”

That’s right — it’s AzMarie!  I liked AzMarie and I thought that she would make it much further in the competition, but her refusal to wear Tyra’s custom-made “Booty Tooch” shorts was rather short sighted.  No one spurns Tyra Banks!  No one!

I can’t really say that I’ll miss her.  When the judges’ panel declared that she was “too cool for school,” I had to agree.  Anyone who signs up to be a contestant on ANTM — or any reality show for that matter — should probably understand that it’s impossible to control your own “edit.”  The producers are going to cast you in the role that fits their storyline.  If you want to be the one who defies their typecasting, you can’t be surprised when you go the way of the Neanderthal.

Upon reflection, AzMarie seemed to comprehend the error of her ways, but it was too late.  On the bright side, her attitude evolved between the time she dropped out of the choreography lesson and the time that she was cut from the show.  In eighteen cycles of this stupid show, I don’t remember anyone giving a more mature and more gracious exit speech.  It almost makes me wish that she had never been cut.  Almost . . .