Auntie Fashion

Rodger & Rachel

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past couple of days responding to comments posted by Rachel Zoe fans.  I don’t care if you like her, and I don’t care if you comment, but don’t put words in my mouth or read between the lines I’ve written.

I don’t like Rachel Zoe’s look.  Her skin appears as if it’s browned in a frying pan and she has a hideous head of fake hair.  I also dislike her oversized wardrobe, because to me it makes her look like a little old lady who hasn’t updated her appearance since she began shrinking a few years before.

I’m fond of healthy looking people, and to me she doesn’t appear to be healthy.  While I’ve criticized her for smoking, I’ve never claimed that she was anorexic.  And although I champion personal style on this blog, my main objective in creating “Auntie Fashion” was to object to the crass commercialization of fashion.  Just this week I saw BeelZoeBub™ going about her usual publicity whoring in an $11,000 Louis Vuitton jacket.  If you don’t find something crass about that, then this blog is not for you.  It’s that simple.  Go write your own.

Relevant Fashions

There’s a hilarious new headline on wwd.com today: “Relevance Seen Key Trend for Spring Runways.”

Hooray!  Finally we’ll all be able to empty our closets of all the irrelevant garments we’ve collected over the past few seasons and start fresh.  Goodwill, here I come!

I’m kidding.  I know where the authors of the article were going when they composed the headline.  The entire fashion industry is being forced to address practical considerations that can help them attract and retain clientele during the current economic downturn.  Nevertheless, applying the word “relevance” to fashion would probably make me laugh regardless of the circumstances.  The reason I adore fashion is because it’s one of the most frivolous pursuits anyone can indulge in.

Without frivolity, would we have thigh-high boots?  To me, they only seem relevant within the wardrobes of trout fisherman and hookers.  Frivolity is the only reason fashion exists.  Fashion without frivolity is simply clothing as a basic need for existence, along with food and shelter.  Fashion without frivolity is a wooly mammoth pelt worn to protect a trogolodyte from the elements as he or she crosses the Bering Strait land bridge.

I can’t seem to reconcile relevance with fashion.  That’s probably why I spend so much of my time making fun of people who take themselves too seriously (BeelZoeBub™, I’m looking at you.)  Now if that headline had read “Overalls Seen Key Trend for Spring Runways,” perhaps I’d be singing a different tune.

Rachel Zoe

According to USA Today, BeelZoeBub wants to branch off into lifestyle branding.

“I want to give people a lifestyle. I don’t want to (just) give them great jewelry or a great vest,” Zoe says. “Candles, bedding, pillows, books, whatever it is. I want to do everything. But I won’t let go of styling, either.”

Oh, goodie!  Candles that smell like cigarette smoke.  Pillowcases of indestructable materials that don’t disintergrate in the wash when you try to bleach out the mascara and the self-tanner stains.  Books like “Style A to Zoe.”  Oh yeah — she already wrote that masterpiece.

That reminds me that I need to get started on my own new book: “Stylishnessness: From A to Zob.”  Not only is the title more adequately punctuated than BeelZoeBub’s similar tome, but I’ve also added an extra “ness” to the word “stylishness,” because what could be better than “stylishness” besides “stylishnessness“?  Look for it soon at a bookstore near you.

Rachel Zoe

blackbookmag.com has reported that Rachel Zoe is planning on paring down her look for the upcoming season of “The Rachel Zoe Project.”  Reflecting upon her first foray into television, Zoe said “I thought, ‘oh my god do I really look like that everyday?’ I need less hair, less makeup, less everything. I can’t even watch it. It was way too much of everything. Why didn’t anyone tell me I looked like that?”

She obviously hasn’t been reading my blog!  I haven’t been a fan of her “Tammy Wynette-plays-Vegas-in-1977” style since I first laid eyes upon her.  It was all just a little too much for this old bird.

I guess I’ll have to wait and see if she lives up to her word.  Frankly, anyone who weighs less than their clothes and accessories should probably practice a little discretion when it comes to putting themselves together.  It’s just common sense.

BeelZoeBub

I’m so delighted with myself for coming up with the name BeelZoeBub to describe everyone’s favorite overwrought, overhyped stylist, Rachel Zoe, that I’ve decided to trademark the name.  Like “I DIE™” or “BANANAS™,” use of the phrase without written permission will be met with the full force of the law.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I’m a giver.  They don’t call me the Mother Teresa of the fashion business for nothing.  You can use BeelZoeBub™ all you want!  Just make sure that you put that trademark symbol beside it, because it makes me laugh!

Rachel Zoe

It’s been ages since I’ve griped about the ghastly Rachel Zoe and her demonlike possession of the business of style.  It’s as if she’s gotten into the heads of legions of unsuspecting fashion victims and convinced them that they’re doing Zob’s work, when they’ve actually been swayed to the dark side.  She’s the Beelzebub to Marc Jacobs’ Evil AntiZob.  I should start calling her BeelZoeBub.  In fact, I think I will!

Anyway, BeelZoeBub has launched her own website (click the link above).  You can even subscribe to the site and receive daily email updates to your inbox — the cyber equivalent of visiting her crypt and sacrificing some poor animal at her altar.

Oh, that’s mean!  I don’t even know her and I’m writing about her as if she’s personally responsible for all the evil that men do.  She’s no demon!  She might look like one of those devlishly hot chicken wings they sell by the pound in places like Hooters — all smoke, gristle and cooked skin — but she’s probably lovely once you get to know her.  Nevertheless, I don’t believe I’m going to sign up for her daily dish.  Your old Auntie is a vegetarian, after all.

NOW Toronto

I’ll be the first person to admit that I’m still carrying a torch for NOW Toronto’s Andrew Sardone.  With a voice that rivals Lou Rawls’ manly timbre and abdominal muscles that could grate cheese, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man — almost!

It seems as if Andrew likes his reality show villains to be wishy washy wannabes who never get out of their rut of self-delusion.  I thought Genevieve Graham was the worst of the contenders on Project Runway Canada Season 2 because she showed no growth as a designer or as a contestant.  Her final runway show was more of the same old, same old.  Even worse, the lead look in the photo above reminded me of something Rachel Zoe would have been thrilled to put on Ashley Olsen a couple of years ago.

I got a little Baby Phat vibe from some garments in Jessica’s collection that didn’t appeal to me, either, but I also got the distinct impression that the designer had grown throughout the competition.  Never once did Genevieve give me the same impression.

It makes me realize that Andrew and I are living on the same planet, but in different worlds.  I’m sure that won’t come as a surprise to him, but it still makes me feel a little misty.

Sigh . . .

Rachel Zoe and Nicole Richie

In the past I’ve chastised people who make fun of the personal style of others.  Occasionally, I’ve been rebuked by critics who mistake my tolerance of fashionable attire for tolerance of fashionable individuals.  Let me get one thing straight: I’m not a hypocrite.

I adore self-expression.  As long as you’re wearing what you want to wear and you’ve put a little thought into the image you’re projecting, then I applaud you.  I also won’t make you the butt of jokes just to prove that I’m more tasteful than you.

Nevertheless, I loathe the notion that self-destructive behavior can make you appear more beautiful.  Smoking, compulsive tanning, poor dietary habits and a lack of physical fitness don’t make anyone look good to me.  I have no problem poking fun at those people.  Anyone who perpetuates the idea that any of those things are beautiful deserves it when I spit some venom in their general direction.

So when I make fun of the those two scrawny birds in the photo above, I’m not being a hypocrite.  A bitch, maybe, but not a hypocrite.  See the difference?

Rachel Zoe

The Piperlime website is having a contest to win a date with Rachel Zoe.  Actually, the contest is called “Win a day in Rachel Zoe’s shoes,” but that’s beside the point.   If enough creepy, middle-aged men enter this contest, odds are that one of them will win.  That lucky guy will be able to tell all of his friends that he’s traveling to Los Angeles for a romantic rendezvous with Ms. Zoe.

So if you know any sweaty, hairy, forty-something single men who would make completely inappropriate winners of this contest, please direct them to the contest site.  And remember: If your creepy friend wins, we all win,  Just let me know if he wins so that I can alert TMZ.

Pontiac Solstice

No, not the Pontiac Solstice.  The winter solstice is finally here!  The worst thing about living in Canada (besides those commercials for the Rita MacNeil Christmas Special) is the lack of daylight this time of year.  It wears on my soul like a . . . umm . . . Rita MacNeil Christmas Special.

But early this morning the earth reached the point in its orbit where those lucky penguins in Anarctica get to hog all the quality rays.  Now its headed back towards ME, and everything seems right in the world again.

I’m not exactly a sun-worshipper like Rachel Zoe or Marc Jacobs, but I do appreciate the healthy glow I get from being outdoors.  I also adore sixteen-hour summer days and the gorgeous glow of the sunset on my complexion.  Any Top Model worth her weight in CoverGirl Wetslicks knows her best light, and your old Auntie Fashion is no exception to the rule.