Louis Vuitton Resort 2009
Here’s a doozy from Marc Jacobs’ 2009 Resort collection for Louis Vuitton. Anticipating the demands of his brainwashed clientele, Jacobs probably said to himself “This outfit was inspired by one of those failed Project Runway challenges where Nina Garcia looks as if she’s eaten a bad clam from the moment the model walks onto the stage, because nothing says resort season to me like the taste of a bad clam.”
The rest of the collection doesn’t get any better. There are giant pockets on hips, plenty of geometric detailing drawing attention to the crotch, a sweater with twin kangaroo-style pouches in the pooch area, and lots of sleeves that make the shoulder area look lumpy and malformed.
If there’s a working designer who hates women more than Marc Jacobs, I don’t know who it is.
Return of the Leather Daddy
At this weekend’s Much Music Video Awards, Rihanna performed in a look that is currently leading the pack on the eTalk viewer poll. I guess that means that Leather Daddy Chic is back in style.
The last time this gay porn staple became ingrained in pop culture was during the early 80s when über cool Depeche Mode released their video for Master and Servant. Sure, the look had been seen elsewhere (in the dark alleys of San Francisco, for instance), but it didn’t really resonate with the public until a couple of years later. The mid-80s were harder and tougher than the earliest part of the decade. Fashion was returning to the streets of the 50s. Madonna was rolling on the ground in thrift shop crinolines and other second-hand underwear while the tough boys were channeling Marlon Brando in The Wild One.
At this point, the look was inspired by nostalgia. It was a slick, modern update of an iconic image. But things have changed since 1984. Gay pride parades have become a mainstream tourist attraction in major cities. People of various sexual persuasions line the streets to gawk at other people dressed up in the most ridiculous costumes. Amongst those marching in today’s parades are gangs of hairy, leather-clad men, wearing assless chaps and bondage collars. And the crowning glory of their look is always the leather daddy hat.
So I’m sort of surprised to see the hats returning. I don’t mind when fashion treads too far into camp — I prefer it, in fact. I’m just not sure if the people who are currently admiring the look (and voting for the look on the eTalk online poll) realize that the look comes prepackaged with some rather hilarious history. Unless they’re going to wear it with their tongues firmly planted in their cheeks, the joke is on them.
The Skinny on Models
There’s a very interesting article today on style.com. It seems that the CFDA held a discussion on Tuesday night called “The Beauty of Health: How the Fashion Industry Can Make a Difference.” The forum was intended to address the issue of skinny models. It’s interesting to see that Anna Wintour attended the event. A friend of Zob (and my spiritual advisor), Greg Polkosnik, used to work for Teen Vogue, and he always has a few juicy stories to tell about the magazine.
Like myself, Greg is a gym rat. He’s been a fitness trainer since 1986. While he was writing horoscopes for Teen Vogue, he used to include tidbits like “Burn off some nervous energy on the treadmill,” and “Check out the boys in the weight room.” It was innocuous stuff, yet he claims that it was solid astrological advice, grounded in the placements of the planets.
He continued to offer comments like that to his readers until one day when he was told to stop because ”teenage girls don’t go to the gym.” His editor at the time was working for editor-in-chief Amy Astley, who reported directly to Anna Wintour.
While Greg doesn’t claim the instructions came down that particular chain of command, he doesn’t dispute the fact that the dictum was foolish. “I’ve been a fitness professional for half of my life,” he told me. “Teenage girls go to the gym.”
He might be overstating his case, though. Perhaps the kind of girls who read Teen Vogue don’t go to the gym. While they’re busy aspiring to own Marc Jacobs bags, they could be starving themselves like model Coco Rocha, who spoke at the CFDA discussion. “I was so obsessed with food that I would flip out if I ate an apple,” Rocha told the audience. The worst part is that Rocha was a dancer before she was a model; she was the kind of person who needed to fuel her body with food in order to succeed in her discipline. But being told “We don’t want you to be anorexic. We just want you to look it,” probably played a few tricks with her head. Who can blame her if she starved herself?
I won’t ever say that Wintour is to blame. I really do like the woman, and I can be guilty of defending her no matter what she does because I know that she’s a businesswoman above all: She wants her empire to succeed. Still, with such disturbing messages coming from her underlings, what am I supposed to say about her?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a piece of Saskatoon berry pie to eat.
Shoe/Boot/Sandals
Last night I had the pleasure of seeing the legendary Tom Jones in concert for the third time. Although he turns sixty-eight this week, he hasn’t lost any of his sex appeal. I would have thrown my panties on the stage, but I wasn’t wearing any. C’est la vie!
Anyhow, I took my friend Korky with me to the concert. She was wearing some of these trendy shoe/boot/sandals that are so popular this season. Since I haven’t weighed-in on this trend yet, I figured that it was about time.
I don’t really like them — at least not in the context that they’re currently being worn. Shoe/boots, or short boots in general, are something that normally appeals to me. However, the current fashion is to wear the footwear with bare legs, and that’s where the look seems to fall apart.
Take the photo of Sarah Jessica Parker for example. Aside from looking like something she stole from Tonya Harding’s locker, those white ankle boots don’t do anything to lengthen her leg. They sort of cut it off before it ends, like a dancers foot when shes doing high kicks without her toes pointed.
Most other shoe/boot/sandal combos emphasize the ankle by wrapping it up in straps and buckles and buttons and bows. Because I’m a gym rat, the first thing that look reminds me of is an orthopedic ankle brace.
What’s worse, however, is that the style emphasizes the thickest part of the ankle. No self-respecting woman would wear a skirt that was hemmed to fall at the thickest part of her calf, so why are women doing it with shoes? I’m a terrible friend for not saying something to Korky! Her shoe/boot/sandals made her ankles look as if they had each gained five pounds.
I’ll be happy when this trend transitions into autumn, because the look changes dramatically when the footwear is worn with hosiery. Coordinating legwear extends the line of the leg right through to the toe, mitigating the issues I’ve mentioned. It’s really how the trend was meant to be worn.
Take heed, my minions. Now I have to think of a way to tell my friend that her ankles look fat. I think I’ll stop by the liquor store first.
Is it just me . . .
Is it just me, or does Agyness Deyn look a lot like Hugh Grant?
I had never really noticed the resemblance before until I read a story on Fashion Wire Daily about how a British company has been making Agyness Dean mannequins. It’s sort of uncanny.
Someone should cast the pair in a romantic comedy. I remember a plotline on The Young and the Restless that centered around a pair of starstruck lovers who discover that they share the same father. I guess it was supposed to be heart-wrenching, but I thought it was a laugh riot. The same story would make a great screenplay. Agyness is twenty-five, which would make her the perfect partner for Grant, who is nearly fifty — Hollywood loves those May/December romances. They can call the film Gross, Actually.
I’d better stop now. I’m giving away all of my good ideas.
Not this again . . .
I’m not usually one to complain about body image and fashion. Some people are thin and some people are fat. Some people are fit and some people aren’t. Big deal.
I’m not usually one to complain when designers choose thin models because — as they claim — clothing hangs better on them. In most cases it’s true. When you’re trying to show off a particular garment, there is a particular body type that will show off that garment without distraction.
However, I was distracted by the way the clothes fit the models at the Calvin Klein Resort 2009 runway show. Francisco Costa’s collection emphasized bony hips and breasts that appeared to be underdeveloped. Sure, I’ve seen the same models a hundred times over without complaining about their bodies, but that’s because they haven’t been presented in this fashion — not recently, anyway.
I believe that Costa finally dropped the ball. After impressing me season after season since he took over design duties at Calvin Klein, he made me sort of hate him with this collection. How do you put clothes on a model that make her look bad?
The answer to that question is this: Cut and drape the fabric so that it makes her look like a newly-pubescent girl who got into her mother’s closet.
I have a feeling that many of the garments from this collection are going to look great on women with more ample figures. I should also mention that I’ve never looked at a Costa show and said to myself “Now there’s a man who hates women!” (like I do when I look at the creative output of a certain designer whose name is Marc Jacobs). But I will say that this schtick has been done before at Calvin Klein, and it isn’t any less-revolting the second time around.
Women buy Calvin Klein Resort; girls don’t. So what’s the point of presenting the collection in a manner that makes a fifteen-year-old model like Karlie Kloss look like she’s on the edge of eleventeen? Yikes!
Why, why, why?
Why, why, why is Interview magazine comparing Marc Jacobs to Andy Warhol? That’s like comparing Cojo to Hamish Bowles. It ain’t right.
Nevertheless, I do have to admit that I’m getting used to staring at his ugly mug; what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I am sort of surprised that the designer’s recently-discovered affection for clean living hasn’t begun to show up on his face. Auntie Fashion spends a lot of time at the gym, too, and you can see it in her countenance. There’s a certain vitality that goes hand-in-hand with a healthy lifestyle and a good night’s sleep. Someone should tell the Evil AntiZob about it. Yikes!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get my Taschen Duchamp book out of the basement. Since my affection for Andy Warhol has been spoiled like a glass of milk left out in the sun, I need a new idol to worship.
Tim Gunn’s Guide to Pasty Makeup Application
I hadn’t seen Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style until last night. In fact, I still haven’t seen a full episode because I tuned in about halfway into the show. Nevertheless, I did see enough to notice that the format of the program is highly unoriginal. It’s What Not to Wear meets Queer Eye. Frankly, I expected more from everyone involved.
Sidebar: A few years ago, Auntie Fashion made a TV pilot that was shopped around at the premiere non-fiction television festivals. Although the producers who convinced her to do the show were enthusiastic, Auntie Fashion was never optimistic about the potential of selling the show. The makeover show trend had — in her opinion — already been beaten into the ground.
Despite the show’s format, there was one thing about TGGTS that bothered me even more than the crappy content: Everyone was wearing the pastiest foundation I’ve ever seen. Veronica Web looked like Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her. The makeover victim looked like Goldie Hawn in the same film. There was something almost eerie about their maquillage. Even Gunn himself didn’t escape the show’s makeup artist. He was exceptionally pasty.
At first I thought that my new High Definition cable package was showing me something that I had never noticed before. Then I realized that I wasn’t watching an HD channel.
It’s sort of sad to see the great lengths people will go to in order to appear inhuman. Would it be so terrible if America noticed that you have pores? Would your career in showbiz crash and burn if your audience saw a bead of sweat develop on your forehead? Are a couple of freckles standing between you and the road to superstardom?
Don’t get me wrong: I love makeup! I love the beauty business! I see a tiny line developing on my face and think “In the name of Zob, what’s next?” No one wants to look worse. What I don’t love is this trend that makes everyone look like airbrushed mannequins. It’s too bad that someone with Tim Gunn’s diplomatic skills isn’t trying to promote a healthy compromise between the people who sell pasty orange foundation and the people who market Dove soap. There has to be a middle ground. Beautiful people still need to look like people.
Seriously . . .
I have to admit that I don’t really pay attention to what Marc Jacobs is doing. Ever since the Evil AntiZob first directed his evil gaze toward me, I’ve been afraid of him. I know people who feel the same way about other things. Some get anxious when a bird flies too close to their head. Others may shriek in horror when a spider appears out of nowhere. I have my own phobias. For instance, I tense up when I hear the name of the so-called designer, causing a little line between my eyebrows to deepen. I know that if it keeps happening, I’m going to develop a permanent crease there. Oh, the horror!
Anyhow, I was checking out the competition on WordPress, and I came across the most hideous thing I’ve seen in ages. It seems that the Evil AntiZob has designed this monstrously ugly shoe. I guess he figured it would be clever to create a shoe with the heel in the wrong place. However, to me it looks like something that the freaky girl who crawled out of the well in The Ring would wear as she was contorting her way out of the TV set and slithering across the floor towards you. In other words, this shoe would be the last thing you would see before you died a horrible death.
I can’t think of a more frightening way to go.
The Problem with Peplums
Since I’m nearly 105 years-old, I’ve seen trends come and go over and over again. Take the peplum, for example. It was a fresh look back in the 40s, and it was almost as fresh when it returned in the 80s. It’s been two decades since we last saw the peplum, though, and I’m not sure if the world is ready for the return of this style.
The reason I feel like this is simple: I believe modern asses are too big for peplums. The 40s were lean times, and the women were lean, too. There was a world war going on, and almost everyone was working full-time just to make ends meet. Women could afford to decorate their backsides with a little extra fabric because barely any of them had much of a backside.
The 80s were characterized by a fitness craze — the likes of which we may never see again. Everyone worked out, and the body-conscious designs of the time reflected the athletic ideals of the era. A slim skirt with a peplum looked great on an ass that had been sculpted with donkey kicks and Jazzercise.
Today, it’s a different story. Asses are gigantic. I’m afraid that peplums might be the new belly shirt; they’re a trend that we’re going to see on all the wrong women.
C’est la vie!
