Auntie Fashion

Simon Doonan

As expected, Simon Doonan creamed Jim Nelson in the quarter finals of The Battle of the Fashion Journalism Superhunks.  Just look at him; how could anyone compete against that?  It’s as if Zob herself has conspired with Mother Nature to cram as much sexiness as possible into a single specimen of manhood.  I’m surprised he doesn’t implode like a black hole under the mass of his own dreaminess.

Come back tomorrow for the last quarter final.

Tyra

Fear.  Elation.  Excitement.  Bewilderment.  Hunger.  These are only some of the sensations that Tyra Banks likely felt when Oprah Winfrey announced that she would be leaving her daily talk show sometime in 2011.

While I’m excited that Tyra can now set her smize on the prize — Oprah does possess the largest audience of any daytime talk show — I’m also fearful, elated, excited, bewildered and hungry when I think about another season of “America’s Next Top Model” and how this news might affect the greatest show in the history of television.  If Tyra sets her smize on becoming the next queen of daytime, will ANTM suffer as a result?  Will she choose one show over the other?

Dear Zob in heaven!  I don’t even want to think of what it would be like to live in a world without ANTM.

Kellie Pickler

Fashion icon and country music legend Kellie Pickler is also a vegetarian,  just like me!

I had no idea.  I knew that there was something about her that I admired besides her je ne sais quois, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.  That all changed a moment ago when I read that PETA named Kellie the sexiest vegetarian of 2009, along with “Heroes” star Milo Ventimiglia.

Like a fine wine, this girl just gets better with age.  Soon I won’t blog about anything else but Kellie Pickler, because everything else in the world will seem irrelevant.  When that happens, I guess I’ll know what it’s like to live in my friend Rusty’s world.  She’s the Zob to his Auntie Fashion, if you know what I mean.

Moose Jaw

Moose Jaw’s City Council has been busy!  They’ve recently rebranded the Saskatchewan megalopolis in an attempt to draw more visitors to what was formerly known as “The Friendly City.”  The new catchphrase is “Surprisingly Unexpected!“

While I do have to admit that I like the antler/exclamation point logo, I also have to ask why the councillors were compelled to hire an advertising agency to rebrand a city that I’ve already rebranded for them?

Haven’t they heard that Moose Jaw has been named ”Canada’s Glamour Capital,” and that “Self-Portrait with Moose Antlers” by Danielle Meder has been selected as the official logo of Moose Jaw Fashion Week 2012?  These things are on the tip of the tongue of every fashionista worth her weight in Louboutins, so why isn’t the City Council of Moose Jaw talking about them?

I suppose that my nemesis Marc Jacobs has already got to them.  I can’t think of anything else that could explain why there’s someone named “Regina” on council (suspicious, huh?), or why mystery Councillor Brian Swanson has no profile on the City of Moose Jaw homepage.  Are they working to thwart what promises to be the most glamorous single event in the history of civilization?

Fortunately, I’ve already planned a fact-finding mission to Moose Jaw this summer with Moose Jaw Fashion Week muse Marjie Withajay.  I swear, as Zob is my witness, we’re going to get to the bottom of this!

Mike Rosenthal

It’s no wonder that photographer Mike Rosenthal doesn’t sit on the judge’s panel of America’s Next Top Model too often.  He’s a strapping hulk of a man, and I imagine that his continued presence might make Nigel Barker begin to feel woefully inadequate.  In a way, he reminded me of a young Dolph Lundgren as He-Man in Masters of the Universe.  I then reminded him that it was inappropriate to wear a studded leather codpiece to Dairy Queen in the middle of the afternoon, but he told me that he was too famous to care.  I smiled coyly at the comment because I implicitly knew what he meant, and it was at that exact moment when I could see in his eyes that he loved me as much as I loved him.

Anyway, before things got too hot between us, I was able to ask Mike a few questions to share with you.

Auntie Fashion: With so many cycles of America’s Next Top Model under your belt, you must be getting jaded.  What does it take to keep you awake on the set?

Mike Rosenthal: I usually start with some fresh juice in the morning.  By the afternoon/evening I’ve usually eased myself into sugar and crack.  Beyond that, I rely on Sutan to keep me laughing.

Auntie Fashion: Now that Tyra is taking on photographer duties on ANTM and Jay Manuel is appearing as the host on Canada’s Next Top Model, it seems as if you’re the only cast member who isn’t multitasking.  Have you considered learning runway coaching or Aswirl training to expand your repetoire?

Mike Rosenthal: My high-heel walk isn’t what it should be.  I have strong ankles, but I can’t get that level of finesse that comes naturally to Miss Jay.  Aswirl seems a bit overwhelming, so I’m trying to see what’s next — possibly interpretive dance.

Auntie Fashion: ANTM fans can be quite obsessive — I should know!  I’ve been practicing writing out my name as “Prunella Rosenthal” since the first time I laid eyes on you.  What’s keeping you from popping the question, anyway?

Mike Rosenthal: It’s all about timing.  I wouldn’t want us to burn out too quickly.

Auntie Fashion: As the mortal representation of Zob, do you believe that a mere photograph could ever do justice to my incomprehensible gorgeousness?

Mike Rosenthal: I honestly don’t think that a camera could capture the splendor, neither film nor digital.  It’s just impossible.

Auntie Fashion: I’m in the middle of planning Moose Jaw Fashion Week 2012.  Could you put in a good word for me with Tyra so that she’ll make Moose Jaw the international destination for an upcoming cycle of ANTM?

Mike Rosenthal: Yeah she’s been talking about it, so I’ll definitely give an extra push.  I remember her saying something about Moose Jaw being the new Paris.

Janice Dickinson

Happy birthday, Janice Dickinson.  Even though you claim that you’re the world’s original supermodel — I’m sure Zob would have something to say about that — you’re still pretty cool for an old broad.

Model Jotasha Turnbull & Christian Francis Roth

I have to admit that I’m always a little suspicious of child prodigies. People who achieve a great deal of success at an early age sort of give me the creeps.

For that reason, I was both surprised and delighted to become acquainted with Christian Francis Roth. I met up with him quite inadvertantly at a Manhattan YMCA. He was admiring my genuine Jackie Stallone headband while I was ogling the way he filled out his Dolfin shorts. A few spots on the bench press later, and we each realized who the other one was. It was as if destiny had brought us together!

For those of you who aren’t familiar with his work, click on the link above from Paper Magazine to read more. Otherwise, just treat yourself to this delightful conversation I had with fashion’s latest comeback kid. He’s a regular Mickey Rourke!

Auntie Fashion: So, what have you been up to for the last fifteen years or so?  You can tell me if you were in jail.  Auntie Fashion doesn’t judge.

Christian Francis Roth: After I closed my business in the late 1990s, I was so weary of losing money I decided to go work for some big, painfully boring corporations and see how they managed to be profitable.  You can certainly liken my years in corporate fashion to time in jail, but like any savvy prisoner, I got a great education while I was away.  Now I’m like, you know, Brand Master Flash and shit.

Auntie Fashion: Your Gangs of New York show to launch Francis (Roth’s new label) was a lot of fun.  I’m constantly harping about the lack of personality on today’s runways, but I saw something in your presentation that gave me hope for a more entertaining future in fashion.  What do you have planned for the upcoming F/W 2009 season?

CFR: We had a blast putting that collection together. I basically became obsessed with the 70s movie “The Warriors“.  Today’s cliques are so much like those gangs.  Man, if I were running marketing at The Gap, I’d do a whole campaign around it.

For F/W, we’re not doing a show, just a great, super-fun collection.  I’ll likely show again in September, but with the economy the way it is, I want to see how my spring selling goes before I commit to the expense.  That is, until more people answer my male escort ad and I don’t have to worry about money anymore.  I’m expensive but well worth it.  Just go to www.big-in-the-9os.com.

Auntie Fashion: Wow, you still look pretty big to me!  We’re getting off-topic, though.  How has Zob influenced your career as a designer?  Can we expect to see an entire collection inspired by the glory of Zob?

CFR: I actually tried to book Zob to walk my Spring show but Marc had a first option on her, that bitch!

Auntie Fashion: That’s only partly true.  Marc Jacobs tried to book Zob in an attempt to lure her into his secret lair, but Simon Doonan got wind of the designer’s evil master plan and saved the day, as he always does.  He’s a regular Boy Wonder.

Anyway, back to you.  I find you far more attractive on the cusp of your fortieth birthday than I did when you were just a skinny kid making headlines in the early 90s.  Do you have any beauty secrets that you would like to share with my readers?

CFR: Dog kisses apparently keep my skin pretty clear.  Corgi spit must have some secret enzyme in it.  Or maybe it’s all the fat in the Häagen Dazs Vanilla ice cream I eat before bed three times a week.  No way to know for sure.  When I figure it out, I’ll bottle that shit and you can go buy it at Holt Renfrew for $1500 an ounce.

Auntie Fashion: I’m currently planning Moose Jaw Fashion Week 2012, which will undoubtedly become the premiere event of the fashion calender.  Unfortunately, the accommodations in Moose Jaw are quite limited.  Is it okay if we share a hotel room?

CFR: NOT if you snore…I need my beauty sleep!

Auntie Fashion: Obviously you have me confused with Jeanne Beker.  Don’t let it happen again.

Kenley Collins

I don’t blog much about the US version of Project Runway because it airs on Canadian television about a month after it appears on the American channels.  Neverthess, I’m a huge fan.

This past season I was rooting for Kenley Collins to win.  I admired her for her creativity and for her talent at making women look good (don’t get me started about designers who don’t know their way around a woman’s body).  Kenley made it to the finale at Bryant Park, but in the end she was beaten by Leanne, whose penchant for adorning the hips with numerous flaps didn’t impress this old bird.

I was able to meet up with Kenley to ask her a few questions.  She was eager to make my acquaintance because I told her that I invented a new cocktail named the Kenley Collins.  It’s just like a Tom Collins, only with ten cherries instead of one.  We drank so many that my tongue was still stained red a week later.  And not only is Kenley crafty when it comes to hand-painting fabric, but she also can macrame you a friendship bracelet made of cherry stems using just her tongue.  Say what you will about the girl, but don’t ever say she can’t handle her liquor!

Auntie Fashion: Project Runway Canada Season 2, hosted by Iman, premieres on January 27.  Who do you think would win in a cage fight: Iman or Heidi Klum?

Kenley Collins: Heidi.  She seems pretty aggressive and competitive.

Auntie Fashion: Blayne’s “Pooping Fabric” dress stands out in my mind as the worst creation in five seasons of Project Runway.  Do you have a least-favorite design (other than your own) from the season?  What about a favorite?

Kenley Collins: Keith’s car challenge ensemble was pretty bad.  I loved Daniel’s cup dress for the grocery challenge.  He should’ve won that challenge.

Auntie Fashion: I have a theory that I’d like you to consider.  I believe that the three other girls in the final with you (Leanne, Korto and Jerell) were not only envious of your design skills but also jealous of your appearance because you were the prettiest finalist.  Care to comment?

Kenley Collins: Aaahahah!  I don’t know what their problem was.

Auntie Fashion: I’m currently developing Moose Jaw Fashion Week 2012, which will undoubtedly become the premiere event of the fashion calendar.  Would you consider showing your S/S 2013 collection there?

Kenley Collins: If I’m able to put one together, I will.

Auntie Fashion: How has the magnificence of Zob influenced your work? Do you plan on using Zob as the inspiration for all of your future collections, or just some of them?

Kenley Collins: Zob is fabulous!  She always has an influence on my work.

Dear Auntie Fashion;

I read the post where you compared your birthday with the Catholic holiday Epiphany.  Were you raised as a Catholic?

Mystified in Vatican City

Dear Mystified;

I was raised by the High Priestesses of Zob in a faraway land, sheltered from much of the ugliness of the world.  When I was a teenager, however, I moved to France to enroll in a regular school in order to facilitate my reintegration into society.  That’s when I attended Our Lady of Marmalade High School and learned so much about your religion.  Sister Patti taught me a lot, including your custom of drinking magnolia wine during Communion.  She also taught me many French words and phrases that have come in handy on several occasions throughout my life.  And even though we had very different spiritual beliefs, to this day I still think of her as my soul-sister.

I hope that answers your question.

Love and kisses,

Auntie Fashion

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton is one of those celebrities who rubs me the wrong way.  I don’t recall ever seeing her in anything but The OC, yet I dislike her with nearly the intensity that I dislike Keira Knightley.  It’s totally irrational, I know.

Anyway, Miss Barton is finally giving me a legitimate reason to loathe her: She’s designing a headband collection.  Celebrity designers in general get my blood boiling, but celebrity headband designers in particular make me homicidal.  Anyone who dares to imitate the stylings of Ms. Jacqueline Stallone deserves to face my wrath.

This isn’t dabbling in design.  It’s sacrilege.  In the name of Zob, I will not rest until her last headband is destroyed!