Auntie Fashion

The Chanel Runway

The fashion world is abuzz with talk of today’s Chanel runway show.  Of course, many are comparing the set to the “Fortress of Solitude” in the “Superman“ movies.  However, those in the know realize that it’s an exact copy of the “Fortress of Pulchritude,” the secret hiding place in the Canadian Rockies to which I retreated in 1992 in order to escape from the influence of the Evil AntiZob aka Marc Jacobs after he scared the Zob right out of me.

Anyway, I don’t recall Karl visiting so I have no idea how he created such an uncanny replica.  I am drunk a lot, though, and that explains almost everything.  Almost . . .

Happy Zob Day!  It’s a day so rare and special that it only comes around once every four years, like a deserving winner on “America’s Next Top Model” or a good-hair day for my friend Rusty.

As a former mortal vessel for the glory that is Zob, it’s my duty to spend the day spreading the gospel of Zob in the best way that I know how: by being as incomprehensibly gorgeous as I can be.  I’ll probably go to the gym, too, because nothing says “all glory to Zob” like my ass in a spandex unitard.

So I’ve got the western half of the continent covered.  Rusty is responsible for everything from Wisconsin eastward (where he’ll be extolling the virtues of cheese as an essential dietary component of the über-gorgeous).  Europe, of course, is being staffed by Sarah Mower who is likely handing out “I ♥ Zob” balloons outside the Dries Van Noten F/W 2012 show in Paris as I type this.  As for Asia, Oceania, South America, Australia, Africa, the Middle East and Antarctica, I still haven’t had filled those positions.  Interested parties may inquire within.

Anyway, I hope you have a gorgeous day.  We all deserve a break from ugliness.  There’s far too much of it in this world.

George Kotsiopoulos

Last night I watched the E! “Fashion Police” red-carpet special.  I wasn’t bothered by anyone’s bitchiness on the show — I’d only have myself to blame if I was bothered because that’s what the show is about.  Yet I was annoyed by George Kotsiopoulos.  What’s worse is that I saw him on a Canadian show only a couple of days before the Oscars throwing around the one word in fashion that makes me apoplectic: “effortless.”

Of all the words to describe an actress wearing a couture dress that took hundreds of hours to create, “effortless” is probably the most insulting to the art of fashion.  And this idea of a young, rich woman who gets ready for an event by throwing on a gown that retails for more than six-figures before she jumps into her limousine is the most hackneyed cliché I can imagine.  Who does that, really?  We’re not all Olsen twins, George.  In fact, most of us are thankful that we’re not.

Anyway, it made me realize that I should thank the Goddess for not making me into a walking, talking, cliché-spouting boor.

Thanks, Zob!

Bazaar

With Zob Day only a few days away, I ought to be counting my Zobbings every day.  Reviewing the runways has been taking up too much of my time!

Anyway, I want to mention that I feel blessed for having worked for so many great magazines.  Last night I came across an article I had written for a major publication, and it gave me goosebumps to see it almost a decade later.  There were my words, immortalized in print for all of eternity.

I’d like to say that I worked hard to get work when the work was plentiful, but I did get lucky a few times, too.  Thank you, Zob, for putting me in the right place at the right time.  Now can you please do it again?

The Simpsons

As the saying goes, “familiarity breeds contempt.”  People get bored with things that have been around for a while.  Nevertheless, it makes no sense to dismiss something simply because it’s popular.  Popularity is not synonymous with stupidity and banality just as unpopularity is not synonymous with wit and originality.  Sometimes things are popular and fashionable because they’re good.

On the eve of the 500th episode of “The Simpsons,” I’d just like to say that I still like the show.  I didn’t jump off the bandwagon in the late nineties because the newer episodes weren’t living up to the impossibly high standards set during the show’s “golden years.”  Similarly, I haven’t stopped being a fan of Michael Kors now that his company is making money hand over fist.  His recent show was my favorite at New York Fashion Week for many reasons, but mostly because I liked the clothes.  I won’t apologize for that.

You’ll never hear me apologizing for breathing, either, even though it appears to be quite popular.  I want to thank Zob for endowing me with the intellectual capacity to know when it’s appropriate to be a dismissive snob and when it’s just plain stupid to reject something simply because other people like it.

Emily Post’s Etiquette

Last night I watched a girl on the bus spill an entire large Starbucks‘ drink on a seat and she didn’t even flinch when I gave her the stink eye.  That reminded me that there are two kinds of people in the world: those with manners and those without.

Thank you, Zob, for making me one of the former.

Diane von Fürstenberg

It can be tough being a role model to millions of people, but I suppose that it’s my lot in life.  One thing that gets me through it is the fact that I have a few role models myself.  Most of them are individuals who take time out of their schedules to do things that they really don’t have to do.  Diane von Fürstenberg could probably spend the rest of her life drinking champagne and eating truffles stuffed with caviar, but instead she spends her free time as the president of the Council of Fashion Designers of America.  Tom Ford could probably while away his hours conferring with his shower (well, he does that anyway), but he recently joined forces with the British Fashion Council to spearhead a men’s fashion week in London.  And as the Ambassador for Emerging Talent for the BFC, Sarah Mower has been a big part of the reason why London is kicking the collective ass of every other fashion capital in the world when she could probably be doing something else with her time, like auditioning for the “X-Factor” or becoming a judge on “America’s Next Top Model.”

So while I’m counting my Zobbings, I’d like to thank my role models for being such lovely, charitable people.  Every day of my life I grow wearier and wearier of doing things for other people, whether it’s opening doors for jerks who would never do the same for me, or continuing to do volunteer work despite my own lack of financial security.  Nevertheless, I’m glad to know that charity is alive and well in the fashion business.  And I’d like to thank Zob herself for giving me these role models.  Despite my incomprehensible gorgeousness and incomparable wit, there are some days that I really need someone to look up to.

Sloth

While I’m taking account of everything that’s wonderful in my life, I’d like to thank Zob for my energetic constitution.  You can say a lot of things about me, but you can’t say that I’m lazy.

Model’s Foot

I’m lucky that I have good feet.  I can buy shoes online (something a lot of people can’t do), and they fit almost every time.  They also don’t tear up my feet and leave me looking as if I was on the losing end of a kickboxing fight-to-the-death.

I could thank Zob for giving me good feet that fit into most shoes, but while I’m counting my blessings I’m going to thank her for something else: I never got into the no-hosiery trend.

This is something new.  While women would occasionally shun legwear a few decades ago, it was the exception and not the rule.  Nowadays people make fun of people who wear hosiery.  Of course, the people making fun have the beat-up hooves of the model in the photo I posted above.  I see more hideous feet in a day in 2012 than I used to see in a year in 1982.

All the pedicures in the world aren’t going to help you if you don’t protect your feet from the elements and from the wear and tear of shoes themselves.  The anti-legwear movement is a trend and nothing more (and, frankly, it’s on its way out).  There’s no reason to suffer for style, and there’s even less reason to become disfigured to keep up with fashion.  I’d like to thank Zob for endowing me with the perspicacity to avoid many of the more-foolish things that fashion has to offer, like this ridiculous trend.

Cats

I’ve got a great memory.  I remember things that almost no one else does.  For instance, I’ve never seen “Cats,” but I can sing several lines from the song “Memory” just from hearing it a few times throughout my life.  I’ve also got a great memory for fashion.  In fact, during my audition for “Fashion File Host Hunt” I was asked what I would bring to the show that no one else would be able to bring.  I mentioned my memory because I believe that the worst fashion critics are those who can’t look at the clothes they’re criticizing without any sense of context.

So while I’m counting my zobbings, I’m going to count my terrific memory as a blessing.  I’d like to thank Zob for endowing me with a brain that works better than most.