Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

Archive for November 2010

Fantasy Bra, My Ass!

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Adriana Lima

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is finally here!

The show was filmed a few weeks ago, but it finally airs tonight on CBS.  I’m always excited to see it, although I have to admit that the idea of a jewel-encrusted fantasy bra is wearing a little thin.  In fact, 2010’s so-called fantasy bra is only worth a paltry $2 million — a far cry from the $6.5 million price tag for the 2006 bra.  But it’s just not the value of the bra that’s gone down in my estimation.  It was a creative idea whose time had come, but now it’s time to move on to something other than precious gems.

So I came up with a few ideas to reinvent the fantasy bra into something even more fantastic.  Let me know what you think of them.

#1: An origami fantasy bra made from an original copy of the Declaration of Independence.  A mint condition copy of the historical document — the foundation of American society — sold in 2000 for $8.14 million US.  Of course, folding it into a foundation garment would only enhance its value right?

#2: A canvas fantasy bra crafted from Pablo Picasso’s 1932 masterpiece “Le Rêve.”  Casino mogul Steve Wynn paid $48.4 million for the work of art in 1997.  In 2006, he accidentally elbowed the painting, causing a two-inch tear in the canvas.  Turning the damaged painting into a fantasy bra would be like making lemons into lemonade.  And Picasso liked boobs more than lemons, anyway.

#3: A leather fantasy bra made from famous baseballs.  Baseballs can be worth a lot of money to the collectors of sports memorabilia.  The baseball hit by Mark McGwire to break the record for the most home runs batted in a season sold for $3 million at auction in 1999.  While it’s likely that most Victoria’s Secret models would not appreciate the value of the item itself, a few might appreciate the irony of using baseballs to craft a bra to provide support for their baseball-like breast implants.  It’s a high fashion home run!

#4: A fantasy bra designed by Tara Subkoff using famous dresses worn by iconic actresses.  Fashion innovator Tara Subkoff first made her mark on the fashion industry with her label Imitation of Christ by reworking existing clothing into new garments.  Imagine if she took the dress Marilyn Monroe wore to sing “Happy Birthday” to JFK (sold at auction for $1.15 million) and the dress that Audrey Hepburn wore in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” (sold at auction for over $800,000), cut the two into pieces and sewed them back together.  The resulting fantasy bra would not only be impossibly chic but impossible to put a value on.

#5: A chain-mail fantasy bra made from Plutonium.  Weapons-grade plutonium costs approximately $4,000 per gram.  A bra weighing only 1 kg would be worth $4 million.  Plus, the radiation emitted from the fantasy bra could potentially cause radition poisoning for the entire front row of celebrities attending the show — celebrities like Kanye West.  Priceless!

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November 30, 2010 at 5:07 pm

Happy Birthday, Clay Aiken

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Happy birthday, Clay Aiken.  My friend Rusty is your biggest fan.  He’s even writing a roman à clef about you because the last one he read “wasn’t sexy enough.”

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November 30, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Posted in Fashionably Old

Happy Birthday, Howie Mandel

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Howie Mandel

Happy birthday, Howie Mandel.  I’m sending positive vibes your way on this special day.  Of course, they’re riding on the backs of germs . . .

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November 29, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Posted in Fashionably Old

Goodbye, Leslie Nielsen

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Leslie Nielsen

Your old Auntie was saddened to learn of the passing of actor Leslie Nielsen today.  One of the most magical weekends of my life included an unexpected rendezvous in lovely, downtown Pittsburgh with Nielsen and NBA pro Charles Barkley.  If those elevator walls could talk!

According to the “National Post,” he died in a hospital — a big building with patients — but that’s not important right now.

Anyway, I’ll miss Leslie.  In the history of cinema, no one has ever had a better deadpan delivery.  He was a comic genius.

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November 29, 2010 at 2:08 am

Happy Birthday, Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart

Happy birthday, Jon Stewart.  Hey, do you know Caroline Kennedy?

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November 28, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Posted in Fashionably Old

At Last: Vagina Ruffle Cargo Pants

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Valentino for the Gap

Everyone knows that I have a strange fascination with ruffled skirts that rememble vaginas.  I’ve written about them extensively, along with boobs decorated to look like archery targets and/or Xmas trees.  Nothing says “subtle sophistication” like an outfit that draws attention to your naughty bits.

And for that reason, I can’t get enough of these Valentino for the Gap cargo pants.  They’ll go great with my fried eggs T-shirt!

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November 27, 2010 at 5:54 pm

November 1999

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Cover: November 1999

Context: On November 6, Australians defeat a referendum to replace the Queen and Governor General with a President to make Australia a republic.  International Men’s Day is suggested to the UN by Mikhail Gorbachev on November 19.  It would be ten years before Canada would mark its first celebration of the observance.  Also on November 19, John Carpenter becomes the first worldwide winner of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.”  “Smooth” by Santana featuring Rob Thomas spends the entire month atop the Billboard Hot 100.  It would go on to become the best-selling rock song in the history of the Billboard chart.

Points of Interest: In the history of “FASHION Magazine,” this would be the one and only time that the editorial staff had the confidence (or audacity) to block roughly 50% of the title.

What Tyra Would Say: “Today the girls did a spread featuring Chanel winter coats.  That’s also why they’re wearing those coats here at panel, even though it’s 120° in the studio.  Elodie has just been taken to the hospital for heat exhaustion, but here’s her best shot . . .”.

What Auntie Fashion Says: Graphically perfect with gorgeous styling and an unexpected color scheme for a winter issue, this cover is a winner in every respect.

Grade: A+.

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November 27, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Posted in 30 Years of FASHION

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