Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

This Week in Capricorn News

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I found these Charlotte Olympia zodiac-themed loafers on  To be perfectly honest, I find them to be quite hideous.  While handcrafted in Italy with Swarovski crystal embellishments, they still read “blue-plate special in Boca Raton” to your dear, old Auntie.

Now here’s the problem with most astrology-themed forays into fashion: most astrologers should stick to astrology and most designers should stick to fashion.  There are a few exceptions, including my friend and spiritual advisor Greg Polkosnik, author of “Cosmically Chic: Discovering Your Fashion Style through Astrology.”

Since he also happens to be a Capricorn, I asked Greg how he would change the design of these shoes to better suit the style of our shared zodiac sign.  “I wouldn’t have created such a literal translation of the symbols associated with Capricorn,” he answered, “and I wouldn’t have made them look like something Fallon Carrington would have worn with a puffy, pirate-sleeved blouse in 1985.  I’m not talking about my Capricorn soul sister Pamela Sue Anderson as Fallon Carrington, either, but that wretched Emma Samms.”

“I would have made them black, probably,” Greg noted, “or maybe even green, like the color of money.  I have some dollar-green suede loafers that I adore.  I may even have made “Blue Suede Shoes” because Elvis was a Capricorn, too.  They’ve become a Capricorn icon.”  But what about the bejeweled goat?  Would he have changed that?  “I wouldn’t have included it at all!  I like goats as much as the next guy, but along with pentagrams they can be mistaken for Satanic symbols.  People already believe that Capricorns are evil.  Why fuel the fire?”

Why indeed!  It’s too bad that Greg has yet to find a designer knocking on his door before they embark upon a project like this.  But, as every Capricorn knows, good things come to those who wait, and no one is better at waiting than a patient Capricorn.  “One day someone will have the brains to ask me why I’ve been called ‘the world’s foremost expert on fashion astrology‘.  Until then, I’ll just keep pointing out the utter failures of those charlatans who have chosen to steal my schtick.  They can all kiss my ass!”


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April 6, 2013 at 4:54 pm

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