Auntie Fashion

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Tarp Industry Pleads for Sensitivity

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When did “tarp” become a dirty word?

That’s what the tarp business would like to know.  Citing several examples of overweight actresses in poorly-fitted dresses described as “tarp-like,” industry spokesperson Heather Grey is begging the media to put an end to their vilification of the common tarpaulin.

“When a fat chick like me walks the red carpet in a blue dress, it’s immediately referred to as ‘tarp blue,'” Grey notes.  “If she’s wearing orange, it’s ‘tarp orange.’  You know what?  I’ve had it!”

“It’s not the tarp’s fault,” Grey adds.  “Tarps provide an invaluable service to mankind and they don’t deserve to be disparaged in this manner.”

So whose fault is it?  Is the media to blame for continuing to use the word “tarp” as a pejorative?  Or are the fat chicks to blame because it takes a whole lot of fabric to cover them up?  “Those are both perfectly valid questions,” says Grey, “but the real question we should be asking ourselves is this: Why is wearing a tarp is a bad thing?”

“Tarps offer us lardbuckets an endless array of evening wear possibilities,” Grey continues.  “Not only do they come in hundreds of sizes, but they also come in several colors besides blue and orange.  Some even have grommets.  How can you blame a tarp when it comes with grommets?  Grommets!”

But can the undeniable versatility and legendary practicality of the common tarp triumph on the red carpet — a place where skinny broads in designer duds seem to get all the attention from the fashion critics? “Who knows?” adds Grey.  “I’ll tell you when I’m finished this pie.”


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May 5, 2013 at 2:51 pm

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