Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

Archive for the ‘About Me’ Category

“People” Throws Gwyneth a Bone

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Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow

Every year it’s the same old thing — “People” publishes its list of the most beautiful women in the world and my inbox is flooded with letters asking me why my name isn’t on the list.  While anyone who reads my blog should know that I really don’t like to talk about myself, I suppose that I should explain why the magazine has snubbed your dear, old Auntie Fashion.

Simply put, it’s like comparing apples and orangutans.  Someone of my incomprehensible gorgeousness can’t really be equated with someone as common as this year’s cover girl, Gwyneth Paltrow.  Sure, she might appear to be pretty in her photo, but she looks like a dog’s breakfast next to me (why else would you think that we never go out in public together?).  Hence, the snub.  I would be offended if I hadn’t asked to be taken out of the running long ago.

Anyway, congratulations to Gwyneth for achieving this symbolic victory.  After being named “The Most Hated Star in Hollywood” by “Star” magazine just a week ago, she could probably use a little cheering up.  And by the way, I’m eagerly waiting for the “Star” to publish its list of the world’s most beloved celebrities just to who I would have beaten if I hadn’t humbly requested that my name be taken out of consideration in order to give everyone else a fighting chance on that list, too.

You know, sometimes I’m not sure what my best quality is: my humility or my beneficence.  Or maybe it’s my beauty . . .

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April 24, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Posted in About Me

Stylish, but not as stylish as me . . .

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Tommy Ton

Here’s a fun “street style” photograph of a transparent bag with its contents on display for the world to see.  Now I’ve made fun of those trite articles that every magazine seems to run at sometime where a woman is encouraged to dump out her bag in order to discuss the contents.  In fact, last July I spilled the beans when I spilled out my own bag for you, my loyal readers.  Here’s what I wrote:

I suppose I’d be more intrigued if any of the women profiled in these sort of articles had anything truly interesting in their bags.  And that got me thinking about what I carry around.  So for you, my readers, I’ve dumped out my Giles Deacon googly-eye bag and inventoried the contents below:

  • A Smith and Wesson J-Frame revolver
  • $13,000 cash, mostly in large denominations
  • One unopened twin-pack of Kellogg’s Strawberry Pop-Tarts
  • An iPod Nano loaded with only one song: “Hot Girls in Love” by Loverboy
  • A braided headband from the Jackie Stallone collection
  • A vintage bottle of Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth eau de cologne
  • A cease-and-desist order from the lawyer of Marc Jacobs
  • The broken stiletto heel of an all-lucite pump
  • A galley of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” with a handwritten notation from the author begging for a quote for the book jacket
  • A sterling silver Tiffany locket embedded with photos of myself and my fiance, Mike Rosenthal
  • A pair of Perfect Touch banjo picks
  • A monkey’s paw
  • A tube of Bonne Bell Lip Smackers in Dr. Pepper
  • A prescription bottle labelled “Xanax” that actually contains nothing but Beano tablets

This photo reminds me that I did forget to mention the one thing that I cannot live without: cinnamon Altoids.  I can’t ever find them in Canada so I usually stock up when I go to Las Vegas.  Just yesterday I realized that I’m going to run out any day now.  I guess that means that I’d better start planning a trip south of the border as soon as possible.  I could just buy some peppermint Altoids like the woman in the photo, but the peppermint flavor is just so . . . umm . . . common.  If I’m going to do that I might as well just change my name to Ashley and get a job selling accessories at Claire’s in the mall.  I’m shuddering just thinking about it!

Anyway, if anyone wants to send me a couple of tins of cinnamon Altoids in the meantime, I’d really appreciate it.  You don’t even have to pack them in one of those padded envelopes.  Just stick them in an old Chanel bag and throw them in the mail.  They’re get here eventually!

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October 3, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Posted in About Me

Has Karl Lagerfeld been to my house?

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The Chanel Runway

The fashion world is abuzz with talk of today’s Chanel runway show.  Of course, many are comparing the set to the “Fortress of Solitude” in the “Superman” movies.  However, those in the know realize that it’s an exact copy of the “Fortress of Pulchritude,” the secret hiding place in the Canadian Rockies to which I retreated in 1992 in order to escape from the influence of the Evil AntiZob aka Marc Jacobs after he scared the Zob right out of me.

Anyway, I don’t recall Karl visiting so I have no idea how he created such an uncanny replica.  I am drunk a lot, though, and that explains almost everything.  Almost . . .

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March 6, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Posted in About Me

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Has Justin Bieber Been to My House?

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Justin Bieber Tattoo

Just a moment ago, I was trying to get in a little culture by reading Dlisted.  Imagine my surprise when I came across a post that included this photo of Justin Bieber’s new tattoo.   That picture of Jesus — I have it hanging on the wall in my house!

Now there can only be one logical explanation for this: Justin Bieber has been to your old Auntie’s house and has been going through her things.  Of course, we’re both from Canada and everyone knows that we’re exceptionally friendly and that we don’t lock our doors up here.

It makes me wonder what Justin Bieber could possibly want from me.  I am quite attractive for my age; I’ve been described as a fresher-looking Selena Gomez.  Or maybe he’s caught wind of the screenplay I’ve been working on called “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Hooters Pants” and he wants to steal the pants for Selena so that she can star in a movie that is likely to beget the hottest film franchise since “Twilight.”

Whatever the case, I don’t know if I should leave the picture where it is, or sell it on eBay to some stupid teenage girl with rich parents who would never say never to their daughter if she asked them to fork out a couple hundred bucks for a picture of Jesus.

Why is my life so complicated?

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January 8, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Posted in About Me

Well, there goes the Caribbean . . .

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The Offending Duo

Look, it’s two of my three least-favorite people in the fashion business on vacation together!

It’s likely that BeelZoeBub™ and the Evil AntiZob are spending their holiday in St. Barts because they just don’t get enough sunshine this time of year.  Look at them!  They’re white as ghosts!  They need some sun!

Speaking of the sun, I’m not sure of the current whereabouts of that other big ball of gas on my least-favorite list, Kanye West.  Nevertheless, there is rumor floating around that he’s moving to London to set up an atelier for his new fashion label.  So that means that I not only have to stay out of New York, Los Angeles and St. Bart’s, but now I also have to add London onto my list of places I can never visit.

Over the past few months your old Auntie has tried to take the high road by attempting to not disparage the most heinous people in fashion.  Just the other day I asked myself “How is that working for you?”  Frankly, it ain’t.  My astrologer has convinced me that 2011 was a year to draw back and keep my mouth shut, so I have no regrets about my behavior.  However, he’s also convinced me that 2012 is my year to behave badly.

So the gloves are off.  I’m still going to be taking the high road, but I’m going to be driving a tank instead of taking public transportation, supposedly in the name of the greater good.  This year I’m the greater good, and my New Year’s resolution is to be as obnoxious as Marc Jacobs, Rachel Zoe and Kanye West.  Whatever they’re doing, it’s working!

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December 29, 2011 at 5:25 pm

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What Anniversary is Spandex?

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Classic Aerobics Outfits

Twenty-five years ago this week, your old Auntie Fashion became an aerobics instructor.  The year was 1986 and the fitness boom was still going strong.  Instead of going out for cocktails, my friends and I would meet at the gym for an aerobics class and then we’d go out for cocktails.  In fact, the first gym that I belonged to actually had a cocktail lounge overlooking the racquet courts and the aerobics studio.  Those were simpler times . . .

I found this photo to commemorate the occasion, but after looking it I realized that these girls are trying to recreate the spandex era.  Not only do their hairstyles give it away (no crusty bangs), but their bodysuits aren’t cut high enough on the hips to be authentic.  One girl even has velcro closures on her shoes, and I know that L.A. Gear didn’t make a model like that in the 80s.  The girl in the purple unitard is wearing her belt on her hips, too.  No one did that in the 80s because it did nothing to hike up the crotch of your outfit so that your cameltoe was displayed prominently.  C’mon!  Why else would you wear a belt with a bodysuit?

Anyway, I’m glad to say that I’m still a fitness trainer today, and if anyone is interested in celebrating the occasion with me, leave me a note in the comments section.  I’ll let you know where you can send gifts for my “Spandex Jubilee.”

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August 1, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Posted in About Me

Breaking News: What’s in My Bag

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Bernadette’s Bag

How do you when it’s summertime?  When the interns at numerous fashion websites start coming up with web content like this!

Just yesterday I clicked on an article at fashionmagazine.com revealing the contents of the lovely Bernadette Morra’s handbag.  Then just a minute ago, I stumbled across a similar article on vogue.com.  Zzzzzzzz . . .

I suppose I’d be more intrigued if any of the women profiled in these sort of articles had anything truly interesting in their bags.  And that got me thinking about what I carry around.  So for you, my readers, I’ve dumped out my Giles Deacon googly-eye bag and inventoried the contents below:

  • A Smith and Wesson J-Frame revolver
  • $13,000 cash, mostly in large denominations
  • One unopened twin-pack of Kellogg’s Strawberry Pop-Tarts
  • An iPod Nano loaded with only one song: “Hot Girls in Love” by Loverboy
  • A braided headband from the Jackie Stallone collection
  • A vintage bottle of Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth eau de cologne
  • A cease-and-desist order from the lawyer of Marc Jacobs
  • The broken stiletto heel of an all-lucite pump
  • A galley of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” with a handwritten notation from the author begging for a quote for the book jacket
  • A sterling silver Tiffany locket embedded with photos of myself and my fiance, Mike Rosenthal
  • A pair of Perfect Touch banjo picks
  • A monkey’s paw
  • A tube of Bonne Bell Lip Smackers in Dr. Pepper
  • A prescription bottle labelled “Xanax” that actually contains nothing but Beano tablets

Jeez — maybe I shouldn’t have been so eager to rush to judgement.  It’s like window into my soul, isn’t it?

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July 21, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Posted in About Me