Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

Archive for the ‘Auntie Fashion’s Must-Haves’ Category

Must Have #8

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted in this category on my blog that I almost forgot how much I enjoy being a sanctimonious windbag — almost.

Anyway, the next thing on on my list of must-haves is Advil.  I first was introduced to Advil by my friend, Tracy Q.  Tracy was named after the Hostess Suzy Q.  For those of you who live on the moon, the Suzy Q is the ugly stepsister of the Twinkie and the Ding Dong.  But I digress . . .

After a particulary decadent night of drinking Kahlua Mudslides laced with Everclear and throwing Tracy’s tarp-like panties at the feet of Tom Jones on the stage at the MGM Grand, I awoke in my hotel room with the worst hangover headache that I had ever had.  My gracious hostess, Tracy, offered me an Advil, which I reluctantly accepted because I thought it might be a roofie (I was always taught to be suspicious of girls who were jealous of my incomprehensible gorgeousness).  Then I went down to the swimming pool to soak my head in some cool water for a while.

It wasn’t even half an hour before I was ready to rejoin the ranks of the living.  Instead of passing out on a lounge chair, I was splashing around like a porpoise.  I couldn’t believe how great I felt.  In record time, the Advil took me from Charlize Theron in “Monster” to Charlize Theron in “Mighty Joe Young.”  Not long afterward, I was back to saving the gorillas from the poachers — or something like that.

I can be one of those ding dongs who doesn’t take medication when I need medication.  Then, after moping around for a while and looking like a sack of crap, I pop one little pill and everything in the world is beautiful again.  No one looks good when they’re suffering — even me — and that’s why I put Advil on my list of must-haves.

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November 7, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Must Have #7

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Yesterday I attended an all-day training event for fitness professionals.  There were several workshops to choose from, including a class that fused elements of yoga and pilates into a broader, rhythmic system of movements.  I’d never done anything quite like it, but it was challenging and a lot of fun.

There had be nearly a hundred people in the gym during this component of the event, and several of them seemed to be acquainted with both the style of class and the instructor herself.  Nevertheless, I was singled-out during the class as the participant with the best posture.

I’ve heard this before, but as I grow older I enjoy hearing it again and again.  I don’t want to be an old crone who has to park in the handicapped space when I can be that skinny old broad who walked to the mall instead.  So that’s why I’m putting good posture on my list of must-haves.

Good posture isn’t easy to cultivate.  I started worrying about my posture when I was about seven or eight.  I used to have this teacher who would walk down the aisles between the desks and cuff you if you were hunched over your multiplication tables.  Oh, the good old days!

I also remember being tested for scoliosis in school when I was eleven or twelve.  We watched a ridiculous propaganda film called something like “Why Judy is a Hunchback” that scared every one of us straight.

I started doing abdominal exercises at home about that time.  Even back then, we understood the relationship between keeping your stomach tucked in and keeping your spine straight.  We may have been simple, unsophisticated folk, but we didn’t drag our knuckles on the ground like troglodytes.

Nowadays it seems as if good posture has gone the way of the caveman.  I’m mortified by how many women can’t walk in high heels (it all starts with good posture) and how many young men don’t suck in their guts.

People will tell you that it’s wrong to judge others based upon their appearance.  I often agree with that sentiment.  However, I will often be the first person to judge you based upon the way in which you respect your own body.  Moreover, I’ll judge you quite harshly if you don’t instill those values of self-respect into the minds of your children.  If your kids need to be told to stand up straight, you need to be the one who delivers the lecture because no one else is doing it anymore.  You need to be the one who trains your children to have good posture because it’s a lesson that will impact their health and self-esteem for the rest of their lives.

Don’t let them down, even if your parents let you down.  In twenty years, when the world discovers that poor back conditioning is just as detrimental to public health as obesity, your kids will be dancing the limbo with spines as flexible as willow branches.  Hopefully, it’s not too late for you too cultivate good posture yourself so that you can join them under the limbo stick.

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June 15, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Must Have #6

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Natasha Poly

Here’s a photo of Natasha Poly’s leg from a Jil Sander ad.  I first saw the photo when FASHION Magazine included a link to it on their blog.  Around the same time, there was a comment in a runway review on that mentioned something about how great the model’s legs are.  I remember that I was taken aback by the comment because it was written by Nicole Phelps or Sarah Mower.

For the record, I’d like to say that I don’t think that Natasha Poly’s legs are that great.  They’re just too skinny.  Photographed from the front, her knees look knobby and her legs look weak.  She certainly doesn’t have the legs of Morgane Dubled or Behati Prinsloo, but she’s usually not doing the same kind of modeling as either of those girls, anyway.

Still, it’s kind of weird that women in fashion are usually the ones who embrace the super-skinny stereotype of what a model should look like.  I’ve heard almost everyone get blamed for scrawny models: straight men, gay men, straight women, white men, white women, blah blah blah.  If you’re clever, you can construct an argument to accuse anyone and everyone — just ask Naomi Wolf.

Nevertheless, fashion magazines are mostly run by women nowadays, so I’m going to blame them.  I adore the staff of FASHION and most other fashion magazines, but they really have to stop this nonsense.  There’s nothing attractive about looking weak.

That’s why I’m including leg muscles amongst my must-haves.  Leg muscles are wonderful things.  They help you get up and they help you get back down again.  You can use them to walk, run and even to dance.  Without leg muscles, your legs would be nothing but skin and bones, with knobby knees that look horrible at certain angles in photographs.

Now if I was to choose my own stereotypical image of what a great pair of legs should look like, I’d pick Julianne Hough’s legs in her new commercial for Juicy Fruit gum.  I love the muscles in the Dancing with Stars star’s legs just like I love the muscles in my own legs.  I wouldn’t do a thing to change mine because I’ve worked so hard to get them.  They’re a badge of honor — not a hindrance to style — and if anyone wants to argue that point, I’ve got a knee with your crotch’s name on it.

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April 13, 2009 at 5:17 pm

Must Have #5

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Dental Floss

With my ultra-glamorous lifestyle, I get to meet a lot of celebrities whom I’ve admired from afar.  Seeing a movie star au naturel can be quite a surprise.  While many of them have been disarmingly gorgeous in-person (Andie MacDowell, Sharon Stone, Jane Fonda), others have disappointed me.  Usually it’s their teeth that surprise me.  I can’t believe how many people in show business have such poor oral hygiene habits.

You don’t really notice a bad gumline until you get right up in someone’s face.  But once you’re there, all the veneers and Zoom! whitening in the world can’t disguise puffy, receding, unhealthy gums.

The worst part about bad gums is that they’re so preventable.  If you floss on a regular basis, you’re probably going to have healthy gums.  It makes a world of difference that you can see in-person.

If fashion is truly about looking good, and looking good is contingent upon looking healthy, then looking fashionable and looking healthy should go hand-in-hand.  Too often they don’t.  In today’s society, it’s very easy to disguise poor health behind a cosmetic veneer — both literally and figuratively.  The manner in which people use cosmetic dental procedures to look good reminds me of that contest that is currently being advertised on TV to create a couture dress out of toilet paper.  Yeah, I’m sure the winning entry is going to be beautiful, but I’m not going to forget that it’s a dress made from asswipe.

If your body is a temple, then your mouth is the front door of that temple.  Take care of it.  Be sure to floss at least once a day.

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March 28, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Must Have #4

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Here’s a photo from the Burberry Pre-Fall 2009 collection.  No, Burberry isn’t on my must-have list.  However, the photo aptly illustrates the point that I’m about to make.

I must have my pants hemmed.  I’m not going to spend $500 on a pair of pants only to have them drag on the ground.  Seeing this photo reminds me of the incident that made me vow to never wear another pair of floor-scraping trousers.

A few years ago my friend Korky was so pregnant that she could barely get out of a chair to waddle to the bathroom.  I was over at her house to visit, and I noticed that the floor was exceptionally dirty.  Korky had just fired her lousy housekeeper and was unable to bend over to clean the floors.  Because I live to give, I offered to wash the floors myself.

Korky was especially grateful.  Like your old Auntie Fashion, Korky is a neat freak, and she knew I would do a great job.  I filled up a bucket, got down on my hands and knees and washed about two-thousand square feet of hardwood.

A few minutes after finishing, Korky poured me a glass of wine.  As we visited, Korky’s teenage daughter came home from school with a friend.  The friend was wearing sloppy, wide-legged jeans that dragged on the ground.  It was a warm January day, and her pantlegs had sopped up every ounce of filthy slush that they could hold.  As she trudged along the hardwood, she left a maze of trails across the shiny floors like a filthy slug on a concrete patio.

I didn’t notice this happening, but Korky did.  She screamed at her daughter and her friend to get out of her house.  I sort of laughed off the incident, but it did bother me.  I felt like taking my bucket of dirty water and Mr. Clean and dumping it on the head of the inconsiderate, little creep.

Anyway, back to the point.  Hems are great things for many reasons, the least of which include preserving the hemmed garment and stopping the garment from becoming a grunge sponge during inclement weather.

So, do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and get your pants hemmed today.

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December 13, 2008 at 6:15 pm

Must Have #3

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Lint Roller

Here’s another one of my MUST HAVES.  While most fashion experts are blabbing about why every woman needs to own at least one jumpsuit come springtime, I’d rather tell you how to get out of your house without looking like an idiot.

Costco sells these 3M Lint Rollers in a six-pack.  Sometimes they’ll throw in a bonus mini-lint roller that will fit into your puniest clutch bag.  They’re great to have in winter, especially when you inadvertantly sit on a chair that has formerly been occupied by some broad in a cheap fur coat that’s shedding all over the place.

Like most fashionable women, I tend to wear a lot of black, and for that reason these things are an essential part of my beauty regimen.  Even if you look like Christy Turlington, when you walk into a room covered in cat fur and dander, people don’t remember your gorgeous face.

So don’t become renowned for your detritus.  No woman worth her weight in Birkin bags is ever linty.

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October 28, 2008 at 3:36 pm

Must Have #2

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Here’s another one of my MUST HAVE accessories.  It’s called an iron, and while it may seem commonplace to many people, to others it can be mysterious and unfamiliar.

The iron is used to remove wrinkles from garments.  Rather than leaving freshly-laundered clothes rumpled up in a basket, some people actually hang them up and press them with a steam iron.  That way, when they go to work, their cohorts don’t stare at them with a look in their eyes that says “Cheryl doesn’t smell like booze this morning, but I still don’t think she spent last night in her own bed,” or “What is that homeless man doing at Jim’s desk?”

Like our opposable thumbs, our irons set us apart from most other non-primate species.  Coincidentally, an opposable thumb is required to operate an iron correctly.  If orangutans wore clothes, for instance, they could iron them if they wanted to iron them.  They probably would.  You should, too.

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August 28, 2008 at 8:28 pm

Don’t leave your house without it!

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It’s that time of the year.  The fashion magazines are filled from cover to cover with things that you MUST HAVE.  There’s a Balenciaga bag, and a Fendi fur vest, and a Chanel gown, and a Louboutin pump, and so on, and so on, and so on . . .

Same season; different shit.  None of those things are really going to make your life that much better if you have them.  They aren’t even MUST HAVES.  They’re WANTS, not NEEDS.

Still, there are a few things that I MUST HAVE: Accessories that make me the most fabulous, fashionable woman in the world.  In this new section of my blog, I’m going to share my list of MUST HAVES with you, my devoted readers.  Do yourself a favor and put them on your own MUST HAVE list.

The first entry on my list is Beano.  That might seem a little vulgar to some of you, but Auntie Fashion likes to eat and drink when she goes out.  She also likes to stay out all night without feeling as if she’s gradually expanding to the size of a bloated seal carcass that has washed up on the beach.

No one else needs to know that the hot tamale who is drinking margaritas and eating hot tamales has a bottle of Beano tablets in her Balenciaga bag.  All they need to know is that she’s the life of the party because she’s got some food in her taut little belly.

You scrawny birds who live on caffeine and nicotine need to brain up and have something to eat.  Just pick up some Beano before you do it.  You’ll thank me in two hours when you still can sit down in your pants.

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August 26, 2008 at 4:08 pm