Auntie Fashion

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Archive for the ‘Faux Fashion Stories I'd Like To Read’ Category

Anna Wintour Joins Forces with QVC

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Anna Wintour

Anna Wintour

In a move that has stunned fashion insiders and retailers alike, “Vogue” magazine editor-in-chief Anna Wintour has announced that she will collaborate with home-shopping powerhouse QVC on a soon-to-be-unveiled clothing line.  Slacks by Anna will compete for both market share and time slots with TV shopping mainstays that include Quacker Factory and the Kris Jenner Kollection.

“I’ve always been a big fan of slacks,” Wintour tells Auntie Fashion, “but like most gals, finding the right fit can be a daunting task.  My signature line will help steer modern women toward styles that not only fit, but also flatter a woman’s curves.  It’s a revolutionary concept!”

But is pitching pants during prime time the right fit for the fashion icon?  “Why not?” says QVC host Shawn “Fake It ’til You Make It” Killinger.  “You never know what’s going to work in this business.  Just this week Joan Collins Timeless Beauty cosmetic collection sold out within hours of its debut on QVCUK.  If you told me that old hooker was selling vibrators I would have believed it, but makeup?  Get outta town!”

Yet can Wintour bring the same sort of energy to her on-air segments that have made Collins an overnight sensation in home shopping?  “Why not?” adds Killinger.  “She’s got the warmth you need to connect to the viewing audience.  And let’s not forget that wig!  What I wouldn’t give to be selling that wig!”

Slacks by Anna premieres Monday, April 1 at 8:00 pm EDT.

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March 30, 2014 at 3:06 pm

Tarp Industry Pleads for Sensitivity

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When did “tarp” become a dirty word?

That’s what the tarp business would like to know.  Citing several examples of overweight actresses in poorly-fitted dresses described as “tarp-like,” industry spokesperson Heather Grey is begging the media to put an end to their vilification of the common tarpaulin.

“When a fat chick like me walks the red carpet in a blue dress, it’s immediately referred to as ‘tarp blue,'” Grey notes.  “If she’s wearing orange, it’s ‘tarp orange.’  You know what?  I’ve had it!”

“It’s not the tarp’s fault,” Grey adds.  “Tarps provide an invaluable service to mankind and they don’t deserve to be disparaged in this manner.”

So whose fault is it?  Is the media to blame for continuing to use the word “tarp” as a pejorative?  Or are the fat chicks to blame because it takes a whole lot of fabric to cover them up?  “Those are both perfectly valid questions,” says Grey, “but the real question we should be asking ourselves is this: Why is wearing a tarp is a bad thing?”

“Tarps offer us lardbuckets an endless array of evening wear possibilities,” Grey continues.  “Not only do they come in hundreds of sizes, but they also come in several colors besides blue and orange.  Some even have grommets.  How can you blame a tarp when it comes with grommets?  Grommets!”

But can the undeniable versatility and legendary practicality of the common tarp triumph on the red carpet — a place where skinny broads in designer duds seem to get all the attention from the fashion critics? “Who knows?” adds Grey.  “I’ll tell you when I’m finished this pie.”

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May 5, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Dog Hair on Pants Tops Milan’s Trends for 2013

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Dog Hair

Dog Hair

One-legged pants and a new color known only by an unpronounceable symbol may have been all over the catwalks of New York and London this season, but the biggest trend during the F/W 2013 runways shows in Milan this season was definitely dog hair on pants.

“I suppose it began with Mr. Valentino” claims legendary muse Prunella Crudsworth: a front-row fixture at many of the top shows.  “With all those stupid dogs hanging around his atelier, you couldn’t attend a fitting without getting covered in the stuff.”

But how does a simple inconvenience such as this turn into a full-blown trend?  “I blame the street-style photographers,” adds Crudsworth.  “They see someone as fabulous as me leaving a designer’s studio after sitting on the wrong couch and it’s click click click.  Next thing you know, all the sleep-deprived, malnourished junior editors are attempting to recreate the look because they’ve completely lost their minds three weeks into the show schedule.”

After decades in the fashion business, Crudsworth implicitly understands the bandwagon mentality that drives many of fashion’s trends.  “We’ve seen this before,” she notes.  “Until Tom Ford admitted that he takes upwards of five baths a day, you were lucky to meet someone in the industry who showered just once a week, and that someone certainly wasn’t Marc Jacobs.  Now everyone washes — it’s quite refreshing!”

So does a fashion insider like Crudsworth forecast any other trends developing in this manner?  “Well, I did see a lot of latex on the Burberry runway last week,” she muses.  “Perhaps Christopher Bailey has been hanging around the same bars as Tim Blanks.”

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February 27, 2013 at 6:33 pm

Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” Headed to Broadway

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Tyra Banks

Media mogul Tyra Banks is about to add another feather to her capless lacefront wig: Broadway star!

“Even before I was seventeen and modeling in Paris, Broadway has always been a dream of mine,” Banks tells Auntie Fashion.  “And although my best-selling debut novel ‘Modelland‘ isn’t a memoir, I’ve decided to adapt it to the stage as a one-woman show.”

But what does the host of “America’s Next Top Model” and former Harvard Business School graduate know about the theater?  “Not enough!” admits Banks.  “That’s why I’ve enlisted the help of Eve Ensler [‘The Vagina Monologues‘].  If she can make a talking vagina come to life onstage, just imagine what she can do for a **** like me!”

Modelland” is expected to make its debut in time for the 2013-14 Tony Awards voting season.

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January 31, 2013 at 2:48 pm

The British Fashion Council Treads Upon My Territory

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Jonathan Saunders

In a move that can only be described as ill-mannered, the British Fashion Council has announced that the scheduled dates for London’s Fall/Winter 2013 menswear shows (January 7-9) will overlap with the Week of Incomprehensible Gorgeousness.

Also known as the birthday week of such fashion luminaries as myself and the BFC’s own Ambassador for Emerging Talent, Sarah Mower, the Week of Incomprehensible Gorgeousness was founded to remind the world that the first seven days of January aren’t just for self-loathing and setting unattainable goals, but also for celebrating the preternatural beauty of those born at that time.

“I chose to be born that week because it didn’t really conflict with any other major celebrations,” claims WoIG founder Auntie Fashion.  “Well, there are those Orthodox Catholic holidays, but who celebrates those nowadays?”

Yet is a one-day overlap between the two events really a cause for concern?  “My birthday is on January 6,” continues a nearly inconsolable Auntie Fashion.  “How can I expect a surprise visit from Tom Ford or Jonathan Saunders at my door when they need to be halfway across the world the next morning?  Let’s be realistic here!”

The fashion world’s most-enduring muse does have a point.  Recently, members of the BFC have taken great offense to scheduling conflicts regarding call times during London Fashion Week itself and overlapping dates proposed by the organization’s Milanese counterpart.  “They cry foul when someone treads upon their territory,” she adds, “but then they turn around and invade my turf.  It’s inexcusable!”

Reminded that fellow fashion critic Cathy Horyn is often forced to attend the New York Fashion Week shows during her own birthday week, Auntie Fashion is quick to reply “And you wonder why she’s grouchy?  C’mon!”

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November 26, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Tyra Banks to Launch America’s Next Top Model: Celebrity Edition

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Heather McDonald & Ross Mathews

Move over, Donald Trump!  You’re not the only reality TV star with a hairline that defies the laws of nature and a celebrity edition!

The CW network has announced that Cycle 21 of the hit program “America’s Next Top Model” will feature celebrities competing for the prestigious title.  Rather than playing to earn a modeling contract, however, the contestants will be attempting to win a cash prize to donate to the charity of their choice.

“There are a lot of fierce celebrities out there,” claims the host and creator of the show, Tyra Banks.  “We’re not necessarily looking for the best model, but rather someone who will represent the integrity of the ANTM brand that I’ve been working to build since the time I was seventeen and modeling in Paris.”

Like the upcoming twentieth cycle of the popular program, the celebrity edition will also allow men to compete alongside the women, including Ross Mathews of “Chelsea Lately.”  “Ross has a million-dollar smize,” Banks adds, “not to mention a booty that won’t stop tooching.”

Joining Mathews is his “Chelsea Lately” costar, Heather McDonald.  Other celebrities contestants include Alex McCord of “The Real Housewives of New York,” pop star Aubrey O’Day, TV personality Star Jones, former “American Idol” host Brian Dunkleman and former Olympian Marion Jones.  Reality star Spencer Pratt, actor Corey Feldman, former Vice President candidate Paul Ryan, high-profile lawyer Gloria Allred and renowned drag artist Shangela round out the cast.

ANTM: Celebrity Edition” is scheduled to premiere this fall on the CW network.  Check your local listings.

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November 7, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Topless Jumpsuits Rule Paris Runways

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Elie Saab

In a season where a singular theme failed to materialize, there was one trend that the designers at Paris Fashion Week could agree upon: next spring we’ll all be wearing the topless jumpsuit.

“It was only a matter of time before they began altering the classic jumpsuit,” trend expert Prunella Crudsworth tells Auntie Fashion.  “Still, I was surprised that the alteration was so severe.  They removed the top half entirely.”

But will women buy into this “topless” trend?  “The funny thing is that most designers showed the bottom half of the jumpsuit with a coordinating, yet unconnected top — often a shirt, a jacket, or sometimes even a crop top.  It was the sort of innovation that you would only see on the Paris runways,” Crudsworth adds.  “This isn’t New York.  Paris is where fashion truly happens.”

Clamouring to jump onto the topless jumpsuit bandwagon, several fashionista were heard praising the revolutionary garments outside of the shows.  “I’m going to wear mine with a belt!” squealed one enthusiastic guest at the Balmain runway presentation.  Another guest at the Céline show was still a little confused by the fad, asking “If it doesn’t have a top, how does it stay up?”

High fashion, however, isn’t always concerned with such practicalities.  Perhaps that question will be answered on the street as this trend takes shape off the runway, when real women embrace the avant-garde novelty of the topless jumpsuit.  And will it last?  “I wouldn’t get my panties in a knot if it didn’t,” remarks Crudsworth.  “Remember when tying your panties in a knot came into style?  That barely lasted a season!”

Wise words, indeed.

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October 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm

New Workout Trend Expected to Sweep Nation

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Sexiest Fitness Fads

Move over Zumba!  Piss off, Pilates!  Suck on this, SoulCycle!  A new workout regimen, so sexy that we wouldn’t describe it if we could is about to take the fitness world by its spandex-clad crotch.

Huumpa: The Forbidden Workout™ is already being touted as “the next big thing” according to trend forecaster Prunella Crudsworth.  “I’ve seen a lot of fitness fads come and go, but I’ve never seen one that just comes and comes” claims Crudsworth.

Developed in the fitness studio of a Canadian YMCA, Huumpa™ combines the athletic exuberance of high energy, 80s-style aerobics with the tsunami-grade wetness of Elizabeth Berkley’s swimming pool sex scene in ‘Showgirls.’  “You might want to bring along a mop” adds Crudsworth.

But how long will it be before the biggest thing in fitness comes to a town near you?  Crudsworth notes that the workout’s mysterious founder is still shopping around a licensing deal for Huumpa™.  “I’m going to try to get him onto ‘Shark Tank‘ to scare up some capital.  You’ll know we hit the jackpot if Mark Cuban is still walking funny a week later” Crudsworth adds.

So until this newest fitness sensation reaches a town near you, we asked Crudsworth if she could give us just a hint of what to expect in our first Huumpa™ class.  “Are you stupid?” she answered.  “It’s forbidden!”

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September 27, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Breaking News: Moose Jaw Fashion Week Postponed Again

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Moose Jaw

2012’s premiere runway event has been cancelled, according to event organizers.

The news comes as a relief to the world’s top fashion editors who have complained that Moose Jaw Fashion Week had been scheduled to run concurrently with Paris Fashion Week from September 25-October 3.

“I’m supposed to be in Calgary auditioning to get on ‘Big Brother Canada‘ on September 30″ claims Prunella Crudsworth, President and CEO of MJFW Inc.  “I can’t be in two places at once.”

News of the cancellation was a relief to MJFW muse Marjie Withajay.  “Another year to save up for some extra cosmetic surgery . . . who wouldn’t be happy about that?” Withajay tells Auntie Fashion.

Vogue” magazine’s Sarah Mower was unavailable for comment.

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August 6, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Psychic Groundhog Defends Record

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Bryant Park Bill

“Three-out-of-five ain’t bad.”

According to psychic groundhog, Bryant Park Bill, his predictions for 2012 have “mostly come true.”  Vehemently defending his record, Bill tells Auntie Fashion that most groundhogs have a much lower success rate when it comes to prognosticating.

“I made five predictions,” Bill claims.  “So far, I’ve seen gauchos gaining traction on the runways along with their chic cousins, culottes.  Even Valentino showed leather culottes.  I also claimed that Mondo would win ‘Project Runway All Stars‘ and that Marc Jacobs‘ latest collection would be described as ‘derivative.’  That last one was sort of a no-brainer, though.”

As for his less-accurate predictions, Bill stands firm that his lucky lottery numbers will still come up and that Jessica Simpson is wrong about the sex of her baby.  “If that thing stays in her womb any longer, anything can happen!”

Bill hasn’t been without his detractors, however.  An upstart psychic groundhog by the name of Lincoln Center Larry has questioned his fellow rodent’s predictive powers.  “I’ve been playing those lotto numbers every Wednesday for the past few weeks and I haven’t won a thing,” claims Larry.  “Bill, you owe me seven bucks!”

Asked whether or not he’ll be making some bold predictions of his own next February, Larry responded “Why don’t you ask Bill?  He knows everything, doesn’t he?  Maybe he’ll tell you that Marc Jacobs will send another collection down the runway that makes the models look like dumpy bag ladies and that the winner of ‘America’s Next Top Model‘ will fade into obscurity.  What a freakin’ visionary!”

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March 27, 2012 at 4:52 pm