Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

Archive for the ‘This Week in Capricorn News’ Category

An Assault on Capricorn Sensibilities

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The Duchess Of Cambridge Attends Place2Be Forum

Kate

According to The Cut (via the Daily Mail), the Queen has ordered the Duchess of Cambridge to cover up her knees on an upcoming trip to Australia.

This probably wouldn’t bother me so much if Kate wasn’t my Capricorn soul sister and astrological twin, but she is.  The sign of Capricorn, of course, rules over the knees; they’re one of our sexiest parts.  The Queen is a Taurus, like my friend Rusty.  Now he’s always trying to sabotage me from being incomprehensibly gorgeous, so I know what’s going on here.  Plain and simple, this move is inspired by jealously.

I understand that it can difficult to not be on Team Capricorn, but it doesn’t have to be a contest.  We’re lovely people who truly wish that the world was a more beautiful place, so just let us fulfill our destinies and make that happen.

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February 3, 2014 at 6:31 pm

Zimmermann S/S 2014

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Zimmermann

Zimmermann

Strange, yet compelling.

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September 7, 2013 at 5:41 pm

This Week in Capricorn News

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The Royal Family

The Royal Family

Here’s a photo of the the British royals from the Queen’s Birthday Parade.  It was reported to be Capricorn Kate’s final public appearance before the birth of her baby.

I can’t blame Kate for stepping out of the spotlight for a while because I’d probably do the same thing.  As the second most-famous Capricorn woman in the world (behind me, of course), Kate is prudent enough to realize that carrying around a baby in the heat of summer is hard enough work without getting dolled-up for the paparazzi.  And as the second-most famous Capricorn woman in England (behind Sarah Mower, of course), Kate knows that the British media wouldn’t hesitate to publish photos of her looking enormous with accompanying captions that read “Kate Waddleton.”

I’m all for discretion: it’s the Capricorn way!  That’s why I’m excited to see Jupiter move into Cancer in about ten days.  My astrologer tells me that it’s going to be an ideal time for someone like me to enter into collaborative ventures and new partnerships.  Sometimes it’s nice to have someone else’s name besides your own in the credits.  I would never be so discrete as to use a pseudonym or to hide behind a fake identity, but I would welcome the idea of seeing my name as the second half of a hyphenated title, like Proenza-Crudsworth, or as fifty-percent of an exciting new pop duo, like Milli Prunelli.

Anyway, I’ll be open to suggestions starting June 26, 2013.  Interested parties may inquire within.

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June 16, 2013 at 3:53 pm

Pringle of Scotland Resort 2014

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Pringle of Scotland

Pringle of Scotland

Best in ages!

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June 8, 2013 at 3:59 pm

This Week in Capricorn News

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Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

I was reading The Cut this morning when I came across an article (click the link above) claiming that upper-arm lifts are one of the fastest-growing cosmetic surgery procedures.  The reason?  In a statement issued by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (and paraphrased by the “L.A. Times“), “women ‘are paying closer attention to the arms of female celebrities’ including Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore and Kelly Ripa. The most-admired arms of all?  Those of First Lady Michelle Obama.”  The blog then goes on to cite another in-demand procedure: Kate Middleton’s nose.

As a Capricorn, I suppose that I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this; I continually inspire myself to be more beautiful simply by being beautiful.  What does surprise me, though, is that the upper arm is a target of plastic surgery at all.  It’s so easy to work your arms at the gym or in a group fitness class.  You really need to let yourself go before your arms start to flap in the wind.

I guess the Capricorn in me is coming out when I read things like this and immediately accuse the women who request these procedures of taking the easy way out.  I could probably be a lot more compassionate toward people who find themselves on the wrong side of pretty because it comes so naturally to me.  As the First Lady of blogging, maybe there’s something I could learn from my fellow Capricorns Michelle Obama and Kate Middleton.  Or I could just do this yoga DVD before I get too comfortable in this chair.

Hmmm . . .

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April 30, 2013 at 3:36 pm

This Week in Capricorn News

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Gwyneth Paltrow & Robert Downey Jr.

Gwyneth Paltrow & Robert Downey Jr.

I didn’t post anything in this category last Saturday because I was busy attending a workshop in order to earn the educational credits necessary to maintain my certification as a fitness trainer.  It was a lot of fun!  I sometimes believe that I should be working in the fitness business full-time.  I could start my own personal training studio with the motto “Making your ass hurt since 1986” . . .

Anyway, I had to laugh earlier today when I came across this list of the twenty most-hated celebrities in Hollywood according to “Star Magazine” (the zodiac signs were added by me):

20. Chris Brown (Taurus)
19. Jesse James (Aries)
18. Taylor Swift (Sagittarius)
17. Shia LaBeouf (Gemini)
16. Lindsay Lohan (Cancer)
15. Angelina Jolie (Gemini)
14. Jay Leno (Taurus)
13. Ashton Kutcher (Aquarius)
12. LeAnn Rimes (Virgo) 
10 and 11. Kris Jenner (Scorpio) and Kim Kardashian (Libra)
9. Anne Hathaway (Scorpio)
8. Justin Bieber (Pisces)
7. Madonna (Leo)
6. Matt Lauer (Capricorn)
5. Katherine Heigl (Sagittarius)
4. John Mayer (Libra)
3. Jennifer Lopez (Leo)
2. Kristen Stewart (Aries)
1. Gwyneth Paltrow (Libra)

Every zodiac sign managed to make an appearance in the top-twenty.  Thankfully, we Capricorns tied for the sign least-represented on the list.  Of course, that’s because we’re generally beloved by everyone we meet.  I am sort of surprised by the poor showing of the Libra natives on this year’s roster, though.  Three positions in the top-twenty is bad enough, never mind three in the top-ten.  And where’s Nicki Minaj?  Do people actually like her?

But I digress!  I was going to demand that Matt Lauer hand in his Capricorn card after embarrassing us all, but then I realized that Ann Curry is a Scorpio.  You know how many times in my life I’ve been stabbed in the back by Scorpios?  I haven’t really paid much attention to this entire “Today Show” controversy that’s played out south of the border over the past several months, but I can confidently say that I’m firmly on Lauer’s side after learning this information.  As life has taught me over and over again, if you wait for a Scorpio to sting you first, you’ve only got yourself to blame.

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April 20, 2013 at 4:18 pm

This Week in Capricorn News

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FASHION

FASHION

I found these Charlotte Olympia zodiac-themed loafers on fashionmagazine.com.  To be perfectly honest, I find them to be quite hideous.  While handcrafted in Italy with Swarovski crystal embellishments, they still read “blue-plate special in Boca Raton” to your dear, old Auntie.

Now here’s the problem with most astrology-themed forays into fashion: most astrologers should stick to astrology and most designers should stick to fashion.  There are a few exceptions, including my friend and spiritual advisor Greg Polkosnik, author of “Cosmically Chic: Discovering Your Fashion Style through Astrology.”

Since he also happens to be a Capricorn, I asked Greg how he would change the design of these shoes to better suit the style of our shared zodiac sign.  “I wouldn’t have created such a literal translation of the symbols associated with Capricorn,” he answered, “and I wouldn’t have made them look like something Fallon Carrington would have worn with a puffy, pirate-sleeved blouse in 1985.  I’m not talking about my Capricorn soul sister Pamela Sue Anderson as Fallon Carrington, either, but that wretched Emma Samms.”

“I would have made them black, probably,” Greg noted, “or maybe even green, like the color of money.  I have some dollar-green suede loafers that I adore.  I may even have made “Blue Suede Shoes” because Elvis was a Capricorn, too.  They’ve become a Capricorn icon.”  But what about the bejeweled goat?  Would he have changed that?  “I wouldn’t have included it at all!  I like goats as much as the next guy, but along with pentagrams they can be mistaken for Satanic symbols.  People already believe that Capricorns are evil.  Why fuel the fire?”

Why indeed!  It’s too bad that Greg has yet to find a designer knocking on his door before they embark upon a project like this.  But, as every Capricorn knows, good things come to those who wait, and no one is better at waiting than a patient Capricorn.  “One day someone will have the brains to ask me why I’ve been called ‘the world’s foremost expert on fashion astrology‘.  Until then, I’ll just keep pointing out the utter failures of those charlatans who have chosen to steal my schtick.  They can all kiss my ass!”

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April 6, 2013 at 4:54 pm