Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

Posts Tagged ‘All-Stars

“I work in a bank, bitch.”

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Last night’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model” was a bona fide classic.  The final seven had to write and sing a song about themselves and star in a music video to accompany what will likely be the top seven songs on iTunes by the end of today.

Of course, the episode was also notable for Angelea’s failure to capitalize on what will go down in infamy as the greatest thing she’s ever said.  All I wanted to hear coming from her was “I work in a bank, bitch,” over and over again for nine or ten minutes, set to a thumping disco beat.  What a missed opportunity — never mind the fact that she didn’t bust out her Hammer dance nor her signature “club walk” during the video shoot.

But she did make it out alive as Alexandria was sent packing for putting in the most uninspired performance I’ve seen on this show since Ann strapped on rollerskates a couple of cycles back.  I can’t say that I was disappointed to see her go, especially when there are still so many girls I like left in the mix.

The worst performance award, however, goes to Tyra Banks who for reasons unknown decided to spoil the contestant’s videos with her head-scratching cameo appearance.  I suppose that she wanted to ensure that her own video for “Shake Ya Body” will go down in history as the “Thriller” of its generation.  I don’t know why she had to worry.  Even though my friend Rusty is personally responsible for at least half of the 3.2 million hits the epic has received on YouTube, the song still has legs.  It’s only a matter of time before it tops the charts.  As the author of the world’s greatest fashion blog that is likely to become a cultural phenomenon any day now, I know that genius like that never goes unrecognized for too long.  Right?

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November 3, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Lifeless Corpse is Not America’s Next Top Model

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First of all, I apologize for not even blogging about last week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model.”  Because of some technical difficulties with my CW affiliate, I wasn’t able to watch Isis King get the boot from the show until last Sunday.  I will admit that I wasn’t sad to see Isis go.  Frankly, I need a little more drama from my All-Stars than Isis was willing to give.

Speaking of drama, Camille gave none of it this season, and she was shown the door on last night’s episode.  I grew more attached to the actor playing the lifeless corpse during the models’ audition for a bit part on “CSI.”  That guy was really serving up “dead.”  He’s got a bright future ahead of him!

The future doesn’t look so bright, however, for Kayla or Bre.  Despite strong performances in their own seasons and some decent post-show work, neither contestant seems partcularly invested in the competition.  The problem with any reality show that presents an “All-Star” version is that there is inevitably a contestant who seems to be over the show before the season has started.  On this show, there are two offending contestants.  They have taken spark-losing to a new level on ANTM.  The sooner they vacate the Top Model house, the sooner the remaining models will be able to create some real sparks — and not the kind that come from getting a bad haircut or drinking too much caffeine.  Zzzzz . . .

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October 6, 2011 at 5:59 pm

I wore my lucky jumpsuit for this?

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Last night’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” was sort of a bust for your old Auntie.  Something was wrong with the audio for my CW affiliate and I probably missed about half of the dialogue from the show.  I’ve programmed my PVR to record it again because I have no idea what happened except that Sheena was given the boot for being relatively unphotogenic.

I was able to get an idea of what was going on when the so-called “branding expert” was giving the girls a buzzword that resonated with the fans of the show.  Of course, I’ll understand his reasoning once I get to see the episode again, but for now I’ve decided to provide you, my readers, with my own list of buzzwords for the ANTM All-Stars cast:

Shannon: Stupid

Lisa: Busted

Camille: Talentless

Bre: Oblivious

Bianca: Hilarious

Dominique: Handsome

Isis: Endearing

Sheena: Incapable

Allison: Memorable

Laura: Sexy

Angelea: Pretty

Kayla: Uneven

Alexandria: Gah!

I know!  I can’t believe that I typed “Angelea” and “pretty” in the same line.  Oh crap — I just did it again.  I’d better stop before this becomes a habit . . .

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September 22, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Fortyish Loudmouth Is Not America’s Next Top Model

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Well, I’m finally getting around to blogging about the premiere of “America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars.”  Between New York Fashion Week and all the other things I do, I’ve barely had time to watch any reality shows.  I’m down to six hours of TV a day!

Anyway, that reminds me that I want to go see “Contagion” tonight.  I adore movies about viral plagues — even documentaries like “Outbreak.”  Add some bitey monkeys to the plotline, and I’m hooked!  I hope there are monkeys in “Contagion.”  I shouldn’t get myself worked up, though.  I did that when I went to see “The Devil Wears Prada,” and I left the theater wanting to kill everyone responsible for the creation of the film.  Hmm . . . I wonder if anyone has thought of making a film about a plague that breaks out during New York Fashion Week?  That would certainly cut down on the number of shows I have to watch.  I’ve always believed that there’s an award-winning script somewhere in this fertile mind of mine.  Maybe this is the one . . .

But I digress!  I’m supposed to be writing about Brittany being eliminated from ANTM.  Brittany first appeared in Cycle 4 when an impetigo epidemic swept through the Top Model house.  Her elimination was really no surprise.  She looked old and sort of botoxed.  I was more surprised by the hat André Leon Talley chose to wear at panel.  If I remember correctly, the staff at Shakey’s Pizza used to wear hats like that back in the 70s.  I’m sure I’ve seen them worn by professional banjo players, too.  Maybe he went straight from a banjo recital to the judging panel.  That’s the only reasonable explanation, right?

Next week’s episode promises even more action, I think.  I may have seen someone playing a banjo in the preview, although it could have been a guitar.  There was an ambulance in one shot, too.  Perhaps a contagious plague wreaks havoc on this season’s cast, after all.  In the name of Zob, I sure hope so!

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September 18, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Twelve More Reasons To Smize

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ANTM All-Stars

Tonight is the night!

America’s Next Top ModelCycle 17 premieres with it’s cast of twelve former contestants, featuring at least one model who has booked a national campaign all on her own and another one who was involved in a now-infamous airport brawl.  Oh well — I’ll take what I can get!  They’re “All-Stars,” after all!

Between New York Fashion Week, Monday’s Miss Universe Pageant and now this, I haven’t been able to stop smizing for days now.  I’ve gotta think of something to wipe this expression off my face or else it might stick like this.  I suppose there are some nude photos of my friend Rusty somewhere on this computer . . .

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September 14, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Let the random speculation begin!

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ANTM All-Stars

Okay, so my record of picking the winner of “America’s Next Top Model” hasn’t exactly been stellar.  Last season I picked Molly from the group shot but added that Tyra would probably like Brittani.  Why didn’t I just pick Brittani?  Well, let’s not get into how drunk I am while I write this blog.  Mind your own business . . .

Anyway, I’ve already introduced the contestants here and provided helpful odds to those of you who like to bet on these things.  Yet I’m not quite sure that the odds I provided back in May are accurate now that I’ve seen this promotional photo for the upcoming season.  The last time Tyra appeared in the center of one of these photos, the two girls above her made the final five along with three of the girls standing beside her.  Now that I see where stupid f***ing Shannon is situated in the shot, I’m scared that she’s going to go far in the competition.  I still have high hopes for Kayla, Allison, Bianca and Bre, but Shannon?  I gave her one-in-a-million odds!  The last photo I saw of her made her look like Lindsay Lohan’s hard-living older sister.  Maybe she’s cleaned herself up, but I doubt it.

I’m a big Laura fan, too, but in that same group photo I mentioned, being pictured anywhere south of Tyra’s crotch was a kiss of death.  On the bright side, that means that bitchy Alexandria won’t win, either.  Also, both Dominique and Angelea are in the center row which probably means that they’ll stick around long enough to meet in the bottom two where the judges will discuss who has the bigger penis.  My money’s on Angelea.  I’ve heard that she’s hung like a buffalo.  Or maybe she’s from Buffalo.  I wasn’t paying attention.

ANTM All-Stars premieres September 14.

EDITED TO ADD: Someone just informed me that the above photo was created by a fan!  Perhaps I won’t have to see Shannon’s leathery face in the final five after all.  Hooray!

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August 22, 2011 at 3:06 am

Meet the ANTM All-Stars

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Current Age: 21.

Cycle/Position: Cycle 16/Fourth place.

Claim to Fame: Caused a riff amongst her fellow contestants that led to the most-dramatic panel in recent ANTM history.

Pros: Young; earnest; can elicit undeserved sympathy from the judges.

Cons: Duck lips; can appear much older in photographs; bitch.

Fantasy Edit: Alexandria reaches the final two by methodically poisoning her fellow contestants with her refrigerated “Chicken Surprise.”

Likely Edit: Alexandria wears an ugly hat to record her confessionals.

Odds of Winning: 1/5.

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May 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm