Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

Posts Tagged ‘sharing

BeelZoeBub is Mine!

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Rachel Zoe

BeelZoeBub

I’m so delighted with myself for coming up with the name BeelZoeBub to describe everyone’s favorite overwrought, overhyped stylist, Rachel Zoe, that I’ve decided to trademark the name.  Like “I DIE™” or “BANANAS™,” use of the phrase without written permission will be met with the full force of the law.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I’m a giver.  They don’t call me the Mother Teresa of the fashion business for nothing.  You can use BeelZoeBub™ all you want!  Just make sure that you put that trademark symbol beside it, because it makes me laugh!

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August 9, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Give ’til It Hurts

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Simon Doonan

Simon Doonan

Just when I thought that I couldn’t love Simon Doonan any more than I already do, I stumbled across a link to this column he wrote for The Observer via The Cut.

The man of my dreams second-guesses the trend in fashion for collaborations between labels and charities.  I’ve always rolled my eyes up at the so-called “generous spirit” of people who need a physical reminder that they’ve done something nice for someone else.  To a sanctimonious windbag like myself, wearing a T-shirt that you got for raising five bucks worth of pledges for some charity’s annual 5K run is the height of vulgarity.

I’ve chalked up the hours to act like Mother Teresa, though.  I’ve put in about three-thousand hours of classes — one hour at a time — at a local YMCA where I’ve volunteered as a fitness class instructor for almost nineteen years, and I currently sit on the board of directors for a local nonprofit society.  I’ve even appeared at a huge, well-known charity event where I donated my fee back to the organization only to see real celebrities take the money and run.  I’m not afraid to tell people how wonderful I am because my accomplishments prove that I have a generous spirit.  I also have no modesty!  But why should I?  Instead of paying lip-service to my causes, I try to give them what I value most: My time.

I won’t begrudge you, however, if you choose to give money.  In fact, it would be a lovely gesture if you gave something and didn’t expect anything (except bragging rights) in return.  Doonan puts it best when he says “As a guilt-free shopper and a know-it-all, let me give everyone on earth some advice: It’s so much easier to separate your tithing from your tube tops. If you write the check yourself, you can be sure the shekels are ending up in the right hands. You can also keep much better track of how much you have actually given, thereby knowing whether you have been stingy or stellar. At the end of the year, instead of trying to figure out what went where from the proceeds of all the hand-woven organic halter tops you were guilt-tripped into buying, you can simply look at your bank statements. Et voilà! Your generosity, or lack of, is there for you to see in black and white.

It’s advice like that that makes me remember why I offered to donate my womb to Mr. Doonan in the first place.  The children we would have would be a gift to humanity!

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June 18, 2009 at 9:30 pm

To all those fallen supermodels . . .

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Greg’s Bracelet

Earlier this morning I received an email from my friend Greg.  It appears that he’s designed this fabulous new bracelet to help raise awareness for an issue that is near and dear to my heart: Fallen supermodels.

SInce I’m all about caring and sharing, I’ve decided to help Greg in his quest to promote ankle safety.  According to The Cut, too many supermodels are falling head over heels on the catwalks of the world, and both Greg and I agree that the designers of the world need to stop putting helpless models in danger.  Sure, a girl who is five-foot-eleven and a hundred-and-fifteen pounds doesn’t really fall too hard, but that’s beside the point.  What about her feelings?  WHAT ABOUT HER FEELINGS?

I may be preternaturally gorgeous and virtually superhuman, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to crawl into a hole and die if I fell on my ass in front of a crowd of onlookers and photographers.  Frankly, I’d probably be scarred for life if it happened to me.  Fortunately, I have an adequate therapist who would be able to help me if I was ever put in such a difficult situation.

Many supermodels, on the other hand, have limited resources and an insufficient support network.  By offering Greg’s Bracelet for sale, the two of use will be able to create a fund that these poor creatures may be able access in the event that they take a tumble on the runway.

To order Greg’s Bracelet, contact me via the comments section above.  Each handcrafted bracelet sells for the low, low price of $19.99.  Orders of 500 or more receive free shipping.

Show the models how much you care.  Show them that they’re more than just clothes hangers.  With your help, we can put an end to sprained ankles and gutwrenching humiliation.

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September 29, 2008 at 5:17 pm

The nerve!

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Number 11

The Daily News has published a list of the fifty most-powerful New Yorkers in the fashion biz.  Surprisingly, I wasn’t on the list.  I know I don’t make the Big Apple my home, but my influence pervades every aspect of the fashion industry.  What were they thinking by failing to recognize me?

Anyhow, I did see a couple of old friend’s names amongst the rankings.  My former boss, Brandusa Niro, was mentioned.  Simon Doonan also ranked rather highly on the list, although quite far behind the Evil AntiZob.  However, I’m confident that we’ll both rise up the rankings one day, overtaking Marc Jacobs and his special brand of evil.  We’re like a dynamic duo — but not that dynamic duo.  You could say that Simon Doonan is the Lyle Waggoner to my Lynda Carter.

In other Simon Doonan-related news, I do need to address the rumors that I am the surrogate mother of Ricky Martin’s twin boys.  For the record, I did not give birth to his children.  Auntie Fashion has promised her womb to Simon Doonan and Jonathan Adler.  Shortly after their upcoming wedding, I am expecting to be flown to a fertility clinic where I will be inseminated with their stylish brood.

I’m not exactly the motherly type, so don’t expect to see me out and about with a pack of little Doodlers in tow.  I just couldn’t say no to those lovely boys when they asked for a couple of eggs.  You know your Auntie: I live to give!

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August 29, 2008 at 10:30 pm

Posted in A Soupçon of Je Ne Sais Quois

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Give ’til It Hurts

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Goodwill

Give, give, give — sometimes it seems as if that’s all I ever do.

Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours cleaning out my closet.  That’s a daunting task when you’re a fashion icon like me.  But it’s something I try to do every couple of years with reckless abandon.  The reason?  I believe it’s selfish to archive your clothes.

Let’s face it; if you haven’t worn something for a couple of years, you’re probably not going to wear it again.  Fashion is cyclical, but in twenty or thirty years when everyone is wearing low-rise pants again, chances are that your ass will have relocated a few inches closer to the ground.

In the meantime, all those clothes sitting in your closet are becoming more and more unfashionable.  In a few years, you’ll decide to move or choose to raise a family.  Suddenly, you’ll say to yourself “Why am I keeping all of this stuff I’m never going to wear again?”  However, by that time the only people who will want to wear it are the kids who shop at Value Village for Halloween costumes.

Not every item in your closet is going to turn into a once-in-a-lifetime thrift store treasure, like a vintage Pucci dress or an Ossie Clark coat.  You’re not Tamara Mellon.  Most of your wardrobe is going to become junk that you’ll never need again.

Someone else might need it, though.  In fact, some of it is probably still quite lovely and fashionable.  Wouldn’t it be great if someone could use it?

That’s what I think when I’m stuffing blue bags full of clothes from my closet.  Yesterday, I put a $500 pair of shoes aside at one point and said “I just can’t give them up!”  Five minutes later I came to my senses and put them in the bag.  I know I’m not going to wear them again.  It’s as simple as that.  And I’m going to make someone’s day when they stumble across them on the resale rack!

I’m even a little more sanctimonious than usual when it comes to where I send my castoffs, too.  I only donate to Goodwill.  If you want to know why, just visit goodwill.org for all of the details.  Sure, I could earn a little money selling things through consignment, but I’m happy to know that Goodwill is a thriving force in my community.

If that’s not enough, to convince you to clean out your closet, just think of all the space you’ll make for new things.  Now get busy!

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July 31, 2008 at 2:12 pm