Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

Posts Tagged ‘Tyra

America’s Next Top Model Has Long Legs, Resembles Actual Models

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Jourdan

Jourdan

I haven’t been posting about “America’s Next Top Model: Guys and Girls” because, frankly, it’s been a boring season.  The manufactured drama aka “Everyone Hates Chris” started to wear on me because I actually felt sorry for Chris H in a way that I usually don’t feel for reality show contestants.  All these kids ganging up on the most-damaged contestant in the house deserved a slap upside the head — especially the season’s “moral center,” Cory.  What’s worse is that the fan forums that I like to haunt were taken over by Cory supporters who blindly rallied behind the least-modelesque, most-hypocritical contestant this show has seen in twenty cycles just because of his sexuality, while they simultaneously criticized Jourdan and Marvin for their “poor me” stories.  Blechh!

Anyway, with the wealth of attractive contestants and the inclusion of male contestants, this should have been the best season of ANTM ever.   However, it was derailed by consistently crappy photo shoots, meaningless challenges that had nothing to do with improving the skills of the contestants, a social media component that has made it clear that a pretty girl with dyed blonde hair will always come out on top, and the perennially insufferable duo of Kelly Cutrone and Bryanboy.  I don’t care what they contribute to panel, Tyra — they’re awful people!

Still, everything ended up all right in the end when Jourdan came out on top.  She really does have some potential as a model.  She’s still a teenager, her runway walk is great and she’s got legs for days!  With a little guidance from a major agency she could make some money.  I honestly feel that Chris H. and Marvin will do okay, too.  Phil might get somewhere, as well, although his height could be problematic.  I chose him as an early favorite when I didn’t realize that he’s 6’3″.  The guy has a lot of commercial appeal, though.  He needs to find a venue where he can shine.  I suggest acting; I could see him on a soap opera tomorrow.  The camera loves him.

But I digress!  I was discussing how horrible this season was, and I guess that we’re in for another round because the show is recruiting contestants for a second “Guys and Girls” cycle.  If first you don’t succeed, try, try again.  You’ll get a male winner eventually, Tyra.  Unless, of course, you invite Virgg back and she walks off with the crown.  Won’t that just bust your weave!

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November 16, 2013 at 4:38 pm

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Welcome to Amateur Hour

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The Guy Who Has a Panic Attack

Jourdan

What the hell has happened to “America’s Next Top Model“?

I’ve stuck with this show through good and bad, thick and thin, and Whitney and Ann.  I’ve laughed at the bad episodes and gushed over the good ones.  It’s always been a campy mess, but it’s also been a campy mess with decent production values.

This “Guys and Girls” cycle, however, is different.  Take this picture of Jourdan from last night’s episode.  If you can’t find a way to make a 6’1″ Barbie doll look good in a photograph, you’re probably a shitty photographer.  Jourdan might not be the best model to ever compete on this show, but she certainly isn’t the worst.  What’s worse is that it looks as if the orangutan did her makeup and wardrobe styling.  In my not-so-humble opinion, this is the crappiest photo in ANTM history.  At least there was some ambition in Lluvy’s infamous fish shot.

The rest of the pics weren’t much better.  Chris H. received negative criticism for not being able to model with TWO macaws sitting on his shoulders.  What was he supposed to do?  Dance while they dug their talons into his flesh?  There’s a reason that their handlers wear leather gloves.  Nina and Don kept getting interrupted during their shoots when the snake they were posing with left the frame.  Shame on them for not bringing their professional snake-handler A-game to the set. And both Jeremy and Reneé had terrible shots as they posed with a baby leopard that wouldn’t sit still.  A playful kitten?  Who has ever heard of that?

There wasn’t a good photo in the bunch, although Nina lucked out with her snake picture.  Still, the judges couldn’t agree if it was good or not and they awarded their typically arbitrary scores, including a 10 from Tyra.  Yes, a 10 for this:

The Guy Who Has a Panic Attack

Nina

I can accept that this was the best of the bunch, but in no way did it deserve that sort of praise.  If Jourdan’s shot deserved a 1 out of 10 as the new benchmark for “terrible,” I suppose that this one would earn a 6 or maybe a 7.  Here’s an 8:

Adrienne

Adrianne

I’d give it a 9 if I didn’t have this one to compare it to:

Anja Rubik

Anja Rubik

Of course, this shot would be a 10 in any universe where this shot didn’t exist:

Racquel Zimmermann

Raquel Zimmermann

Anyway, there are opportunities galore for the producers of this show to collaborate with exceptionally talented people who would not only produce a body of work that would show them in their best light, but also allow the models to leave this ridiculous program with a decent portfolio and a sense of accomplishment. They’ve used them in the past (jeez I miss Sutan Amrull and Mike Rosenthal) and they can use them in the future.  Tyra Banks and Ken Mok just have to recognize that breathing life into a tired franchise doesn’t mean cutting corners with production values.  I watched “Survivor: Blood Vs. Water” this week and saw one of the greatest episodes in twenty-seven seasons.  If you give the contestants an environment in which they can thrive, it’s going to happen.  So stop blaming the models for your low-budget shitshow and put some talent behind the camera before it’s too late.

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October 12, 2013 at 3:39 pm

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Don’t make me hate you, Tyra . . .

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The Guy Who Cries

Phil

I can barely even count the number of things that were wrong with this week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: Guys and Girls,” but let me try . . .

First of all, Phil was almost sent home.  Sure, he performed terribly during the fashion-knowledge quiz, but he took his $25 prize and showed up in a ridiculous outfit that only he could pull off because he’s a model who looks good in anything.  Meanwhile, the walking, talking, butt-of-the-joke Kelly Cutrone told him that he wasn’t taking the competition seriously.  It made me scratch my head because Phil could potentially be the Cara Delevigne of male modeling if he was given the opportunity.  Unfortunately, he’s on a TV program where everything is so screwed up that they let Leila Goldkuhl walk out the door twice last season.  Such scouting skills!  And let me add that the guy filming the video had framed Phil at an angle that made him look like he should be on the cover of “Men’s Health” while Johnny Wujek was complaining about the way Phil’s abdomen appeared.  It wasn’t the pose, genius — it was the camera angle.  Tell the model to turn thirty degrees counterclockwise and you’ll get what you want.

Next, the episode was filled with ridiculous drama between crybaby Marvin and awkward Chris.  Jourdan also jumped on the “I hate Chris” train, but as this season is beginning to prove, Jourdan hates everything. What’s worse is that I’m sensing a final two of Jourdan and Marvin.

Finally, the judging system is as stupid as ever, with some photos receiving marks as low as 5 while getting a 9 from another judge.

If there was one saving grace to the episode, it was that Tyra had a new project to promote: her fabulous art installation where she recreates the looks of all of the world’s most famous fashion models.  It was no “Shake Ya Body,” but it’ll do . . . for now.

Next week: more crying and more yelling!

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September 15, 2013 at 3:05 pm

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Send in the Clowns

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The Girl Who’s Scared of Clown

Jeremy

Forget it — they’re here!

On this week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: Guys & Girls,” poor Jeremy was sent home for not being able to model.  The guy was actually starting to grow on me, not because he was a good model, but because he actually has some charisma.  He reminds me of Benjamin McKenzie of “Southland” and “The O.C.”  He needs to take some acting lessons in order to discover if he has any talent in that discipline.

Kanani was also sent home after a bad photo shoot where she was haunted by the memories of an evil clown doll planted in her bed by the guys in the competition.  Of course, those memories came flooding back when she stared into the faces of the judging panel while they awarded arbitrary scores as if they were drawing numbers from a fishbowl.

In other news, Don impressed this old bird with a beauty shot that was actually quite beautiful.  Phil took a bad photo that put him in the bottom three (although the picture made me believe that if that’s his worst photo, he has nothing to worry about).  Other highlights included a crazy photographer named Franco Lacosta who was straight off the “Zoolander” set, and a special guest appearance of the old background set from the “Larry King Show.”  Oh, and a terrible challenge where the models performed “random acts of modeling,” which is currently being defined as driving a tractor in eveningwear — what else?

Next week: Chris keeps bringing the crazy!  I kind of want him to win now.  I’ve actually seen him during the New York menswear shows and he’s the real deal, like Leila from last season.  Between him, Phil and Marvin, I don’t believe that there’s a chance in hell that a girl will win this cycle.  Of course, I’ve just jinxed them all.  Hand Jourdan the crown!

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September 9, 2013 at 3:06 pm

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Gurls Gone Wild

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The Guy Who Gets to Kiss the Girl

Chris & Nina

No, that’s not “RuPaul’s Drag Race” contestant Willam being felt up by seventies icon Joyce DeWitt (although I kind of wish it was).  That’s Chris and Nina from “America’s Next Top Model: Guys and Girls.”

This week’s gender-bending commercial was for “Questionable,” a made-up body spray that needs to be a real thing.  Now that the nineties are back in style, gender non-specific perfumes like ck one should be right around the corner.  My friend Rusty is a big fan of scents that don’t discriminate.  That’s why you can always depend upon him smelling like a well-used deep fryer at KFC.

But I digress!  This episode had its moments.  There was plenty of good (Marvin licking Renee’s face; Marvin refusing to do anything to please Perez Hilton; Jourdan essentially being told by Tyra that there is no excuse to be a dumbass) and bad (Perez Hilton; Tyra’s eyebrows; the judges handing out perfect scores like they were candy).  In the end, Alexandra was sent home for looking too much like Paul Sutera in “The Brady Bunch Movie.”  I thought the resemblance was uncanny!  The judges thought it was unacceptable.

Anyway, I’m curious to see when the models are going to do some actual modeling this season.  So far everything has been so over-the-top that I’m really not sure if there’s an actual model in the bunch.  I guess I need to see a beauty shot or an editorial shoot with the sort of styling that would require a model to sell the clothes.  Every photo shoot so far has been an ego wank for the photographer and Johnny Wujek.  I live for the camp value of this show, but c’mon!  Has he produced a single shot this cycle that a model could put in a portfolio?  I don’t think so.

Well, there’s always next week . . .

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August 31, 2013 at 5:03 pm

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ANTM Post #2

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Leila

Leila

Just to point out how ridiculous “America’s Next Top Model” has become, here’s a recent photo of last season’s contestant Leila.  Leila was not only eliminated too early, but she was brought back by the fans only to be eliminated again.  But since she was the only real model to appear on this show in eons, she’s currently working her butt off with assignments that have included a Hervé Leger lookbook.  I read that she’s skipping New York Fashion Week castings this fall to gain some runway experience at Sydney Fashion Festival, but I expect big things from her in the very near future.  Free from the curse of the show, she might be the first contestant in ANTM history to really get somewhere in the fashion business.

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August 25, 2013 at 3:36 pm

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This Week in “Not a Model” . . .

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The Girl Who Went Around in Circles

Jeremy

I could only think of one thing while watching Jeremy walk down the revolving runway on this week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model.”  He’s the kind of young guy I see at my gym who spends his entire workout staring at himself in the mirror.  He believes that his definition of sexy is the same as everyone else’s definition of sexy.  Unfortunately, the only person he’s turning on is himself.  He’s an asexual robot: an autoerotic automaton.

I’m not the only person who has realized that Jeremy isn’t a model.  The judging panel had him in the bottom two this week, just a tenth–of-a-point higher than Mike, who was eliminated this week.  Don’t get me wrong: I like Jeremy.  I like Mike, too.  Both of them should stay in Hollywood, take some acting lessons and try to get jobs playing cops on procedural crime dramas.  But modeling?  I don’t think so!

In other news, my old boss at “Nylon” was a special guest star this week.  I used to hate Marvin Scott Jarrett because he owed me money, but then he paid me back.  To be perfectly honest, my one-year gig at “Nylon” was the best job I ever had.  Back then, the inmates ran the asylum and the magazine was a glorious collaboration between some of the most marginal-yet-brilliant people in the fashion business.  It was THE indie magazine and there was nothing else like it.  I’d kill Kelly Cutrone to get another job like that.  No!  I’d kiss Kelly Cutrone to get another job like that.  That’s much, much worse!

Tyra looked gorgeous at panel in her Peter Pilotto dress and “Valley of the Dolls” hair.  Jourdan got best photo and Chris (the season’s most modelesque contestant) got shit from the panel for not finding the light when the photos in general were lit terribly by the photographer.  You don’t bring along a lighting crew and then blame the models when every shot turns out bad.  The Cobra Snake needs to be eliminated from the competition.

Next week: cross dressing (YAY!) and Perez Hilton (BOO!) . . .

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August 25, 2013 at 3:15 pm

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Leather Shorts Trend Dominates ANTM

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The Guy who Gets a Weave

ANTM

Okay, that headline may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I did spot at least two pairs of leather shorts on “America’s Next Top Model” this week.  I guess I was wrong when I spent an entire month making fun of the fad when it hit the runways during the F/W 2013 menswear shows.  If Tyra believes it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen!

Anyway, Phil and Jeremy were the lucky guys who got to wear the leather shorts as they posed like kitty cats at Alessandra Ambrosio’s feet.  Both of the aspiring models were savaged at the judging panel for this photo, and I really couldn’t understand the critiques.  Phil is engaging the viewer and I like the way his arm is coming forward.  Jeremy, however, looks as if he was interrupted during his push-ups.  Their scores weren’t very different, though.  Several other models took horrible photos and were awarded with glowing praise, including Cory whose go-to shot seems to be an intense smize/nostril flare, and Mike who was given a tongue bath for finally moving a muscle in his face.  It was all sort of weird.

The makeovers happened after the photo shoot, too, which was a strange turn of events; no one was able to work their new look in front of the cameras.  I was surprised by a few of the styling choices.  I didn’t like Alexandra at all, but she looks great with brown hair.  Phil’s Jesus-weave suits him, too, but I believe that anything would look good on him because he LOOKS LIKE A MODEL.  Cory looked good with a stubbly buzz-cut, but then they shaved his melon until he looked like a third-rate Furonda impersonator.  And poor plus-sized Chlea got a wig sewn to her head that reminded me of something Coco Montrese would wear.  I did want to see what she was going to do with all that hair, but the girl was sent packing faster than you could say “Alyssa Edwards.”

It looks as if were back to business-as-usual next week with a spinning runway that could possibly kill a model or two.  I hope so!  Between the arbitrary scoring and the format change, this was one of the least enjoyable makeover episodes of ANTM that I’ve ever seen.  If there was one element of the show that these morons in production needed to leave alone . . .

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August 18, 2013 at 3:07 pm

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Like a fine cheese . . .

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The Girl Who Gets Married Again

ANTM

After the rush of last week’s casting episode, “America’s Next Top Model: Guys and Girls” got down to business with an alternative wedding-themed photo shoot and a double elimination.  Short Chris was sent home, meaning that tall Chris will simply be known as “Chris.”  Speaking of names I can’t remember, I also didn’t know the difference between Jiana and Bianca until Bianca also got the boot.  Jiana, however, has become memorable to me because she reminds me of my heroine Cristal Connors in this girl-on-girl wedding photo.  I can’t be the only one who imagines that she’s thinking “You have great tits” while cozying up to Kanani.

On the topic of tits, Jeremy did a nudist-themed shoot with Jourdan where I noticed that his nipples seem to be a little too far apart, like Kate Moss‘ pupils (which sometimes seem to be focused on two directions at once).  Oh well — that hasn’t kept her from working!  In twenty years perhaps we’ll all be talking about Jeremy’s groundbreaking nipples that were single-handedly responsible for changing the modeling industry forever.

Nothing else surprising happened except for Marvin’s laughable horniness and Mike’s exceptionally drunken antics in the house.  Maybe he’ll be this season’s Lisa D’Amato!  Speaking of people who look twenty years older than they are, Kelly Cutrone was exceptionally vile this episode.  She doesn’t even make a good cartoon villain because even cartoon villains have something going for them, like a great outfit or a maniacal laugh.  Kelly Cutrone has nothing that makes me jealous.  Nothing.

Anyway, this episode was fun.  Next week’s it’s makeover time which is always good for a laugh.  No matter how old this show gets, I still think it’s deliciously fun.  It’s like a fine cheese that still tastes great even after you’ve cut off the moldy part.  Now if only Tyra Banks would realize that Kelly Cutrone is the moldy part . . .

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August 11, 2013 at 3:01 pm

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It’s about time . . .

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AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Phil

After what seemed like an eternity, “America’s Next Top Model Cycle 20: Guys and Girls” premiered last night.  Tyra — don’t ever make me wait that long again!

Anyway, it was a pretty typical casting special where sob stories seemed to set up the elimination order for entire cycle.  I’m not even going to discuss the girls because I don’t believe that one of them will win. However, I will discuss the chances of the three men who will compete for the title.

First of all there’s Phil, who I believe is the one to beat.  He’s got the nicest nose I’ve ever seen and he looks like he just walked off a Comme des Garçons runway.  He’s sort of naive, though.  He actually claimed that models don’t look like him with his ratty beard — has he watched a menswear show in the last two years?

Next there’s Chris H., who has already been set up to be Phil’s arch rival.  Chris has a few things wrong with his face, but those are the sort of things that actually translate well to film; he is exceptionally photogenic. His story about overcoming a terrible upbringing is going to make him Tyra’s pet project this season.  His “permanent smize” is going to take him to the finale.  The editing has already set it up.

But there’s Mike, too, who is sort of a wild card.  Tyra hand picked the guy from obscurity.  If he can actually learn on his feet, he could go all the way to the end.  He’s got a more-commercial look that would bode well with the judges if they hadn’t picked a commercial winner during Cycle 19.  Furthermore, Tyra’s other pet-project, the transgendered contestant Virgg, dropped out because her hormone regimen was getting the best of her.

Now everyone knows how terrible I am at picking the winners on this show because I just can’t wrap my head around Tyra Banks’ perplexing, somewhat arbitrary logic, but I believe that two of these guys will comprise the top three.  For good measure, I’ll throw one girl in the mix, too.  The one who looks like Beverly Johnson should go far, maybe even far enough that I’ll bother to learn her name.

What do you think?

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August 3, 2013 at 5:04 pm

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