Auntie Fashion

I’m the fashion world’s most-enduring muse.

Posts Tagged ‘zob

Count Your Zobbings

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Sloth

While I’m taking account of everything that’s wonderful in my life, I’d like to thank Zob for my energetic constitution.  You can say a lot of things about me, but you can’t say that I’m lazy.

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February 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm

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Count Your Zobbings

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Model’s Foot

I’m lucky that I have good feet.  I can buy shoes online (something a lot of people can’t do), and they fit almost every time.  They also don’t tear up my feet and leave me looking as if I was on the losing end of a kickboxing fight-to-the-death.

I could thank Zob for giving me good feet that fit into most shoes, but while I’m counting my blessings I’m going to thank her for something else: I never got into the no-hosiery trend.

This is something new.  While women would occasionally shun legwear a few decades ago, it was the exception and not the rule.  Nowadays people make fun of people who wear hosiery.  Of course, the people making fun have the beat-up hooves of the model in the photo I posted above.  I see more hideous feet in a day in 2012 than I used to see in a year in 1982.

All the pedicures in the world aren’t going to help you if you don’t protect your feet from the elements and from the wear and tear of shoes themselves.  The anti-legwear movement is a trend and nothing more (and, frankly, it’s on its way out).  There’s no reason to suffer for style, and there’s even less reason to become disfigured to keep up with fashion.  I’d like to thank Zob for endowing me with the perspicacity to avoid many of the more-foolish things that fashion has to offer, like this ridiculous trend.

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February 8, 2012 at 6:24 pm

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Count Your Zobbings

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Cats

I’ve got a great memory.  I remember things that almost no one else does.  For instance, I’ve never seen “Cats,” but I can sing several lines from the song “Memory” just from hearing it a few times throughout my life.  I’ve also got a great memory for fashion.  In fact, during my audition for “Fashion File Host Hunt” I was asked what I would bring to the show that no one else would be able to bring.  I mentioned my memory because I believe that the worst fashion critics are those who can’t look at the clothes they’re criticizing without any sense of context.

So while I’m counting my zobbings, I’m going to count my terrific memory as a blessing.  I’d like to thank Zob for endowing me with a brain that works better than most.

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February 7, 2012 at 4:34 pm

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Count Your Zobbings

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Madonna

After Madonna’s half-time performance at the Super Bowl last night, I’ve read more negative comments online about her age than I have about her actual performance.  Because most of the people I know over fifty-years-old are lethargic lardbuckets who don’t get as much exercise in a week as Madonna gets lip-synching to one song, this sort of criticism rubs your old Auntie the wrong way.

You’re all going to get older, so why pick on a woman who is probably healthier and more youthful than you in every way imaginable, despite her age?  Why not count your Zobbings and accept the fact that your health — unlike your age — is in your own hands?

I’m grateful that Zob has endowed me with the energy of someone half my age, but I can’t give the Goddess all the credit.  I didn’t get this way posting nasty comments on online forums from my smartphone while sitting in my car in the Dairy Queen drive-thru.  I got this way by fighting time every step of the way.  I will give Zob credit, however, for endowing me with a spirit that hasn’t allowed me to give up on myself, despite the number of years I’ve lived.

Thanks, Zob!

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February 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm

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Count Your Zobbings

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Wet Look Fabric

I take pride in my open-minded approach to fashion.  I’ve seen practically everything come in and go out and come in again, so I’ve learned to just take it as it comes.  Yesterday, however, while I was going into the mall I saw a girl wearing black, wet-look, capri-style leggings.  The first thing that came to my mind was gratitude.  Open-minded or not, I’m truly blessed to know better than that.

Thanks, Zob!

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February 5, 2012 at 4:29 pm

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Count Your Zobbings

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Arby’s

While I’m counting my Zobbings, I must mention that day in 1985 (it was just after Valentine’s Day, if I remember correctly) when I ate at Arby’s for the first time.  It was at that exact moment that Zob herself slipped a thumb-sized cartilaginous lump into my Beef & Cheddar Sandwich, inspiring me to give up meat.

A lot of people beg me to share my beauty secrets with them.  The first thing out of my mouth is usually “I’m a vegetarian!”  Remember that tomorrow on Super Bowl Sunday when you’re on your fortieth chicken wing.  I’m talking to you, Rusty . . .

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February 4, 2012 at 5:19 pm

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Count Your Zobbings

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Jane Fonda

How could I possibly count my Zobbings in anticipation of Zob Day on February 29 without including the fateful day in 1981 when I met Jane Fonda while skiing in the Rocky Mountains.  That day changed my life, because if it wasn’t for my adortion for the icon and “Jane Fonda’s Workout Record,” I may never have been inspired to become a fitness trainer.

I know a lot of people in fashion who believe that you’re only as stylish as the clothes you’re wearing.  Your old Auntie, on the other hand, believes that you can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.

Thank you, Zob, for bringing Jane Fonda and physical fitness into my incomprehensibly gorgeous life.

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February 3, 2012 at 3:43 am

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Count Your Zobbings

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Kellie Pickler

I’m in an especially good mood today.  Not only is it the first day of February (my favorite month), but because 2012 is a leap year, that also means that this month contains a rare and special holiday, Zob Day.

As my devoted readers already know, Zob Day occurs on February 29.  So to celebrate this most-elusive holiday, I’ve decided to count my blessings from Zob — my zobbings, as I like to call them — for the rest of the month.

First up, I’m grateful to Zob for giving me Kellie Pickler.  Even the world’s most-enduring muse needs a muse, and Kellie Pickler is mine.  What’s more, Pickler recently unveiled this delightful sweater that features a cat playing a banjo in order to mark the beginning of Cat Appreciation Month.  That’s right: A CAT PLAYING A BANJO!

I can’t imagine a single garment having more going for it than this.  Thank you, Zob!

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February 1, 2012 at 7:45 pm

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2012 Trend Forecast — Part Five

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Incomprehensible Gorgeousness

2011 wasn’t the greatest year for your dear, old Auntie Fashion, but it was better than the few years that preceded it.  I feel as if I’m gaining momentum.  Along with that momentum, I also feel as if I’m moving toward a new era in my life when I’ll be able to reclaim what was once mine: some genuine respect in the fashion industry.

Maybe I’m delusional, or perhaps I’m already drunk.  Nevertheless, I’m going to forecast that this is my breakthrough year.  You can either believe me and start worshipping at my altar of incomprehensible gorgeousness now, or you can be left behind once the Zobpocalypse arrives.  It’s me or the Evil AntiZob.  It’s me or BeelZoeBub™.  There’s no Heaven and there’s no Hell, but there is a place in-between.  It’s sort of like Purgatory, only it’s called Vulgarity — and we’re already there.

So if there’s any trend you’re going to follow like sheep this year, let it be me.  I’m the second coming of style, and you’re either with me or you’re against me.

Now where’s my drink?

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January 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm

My New Signature Scent

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Lalique

After the stratospheric launch of my first signature perfume, Auntie Fashion’sSmell My Greatness,” I’ve decided to start developing a second scent to introduce to the already-crowded celebrity fragrance market.

The inspirational new scent from Auntie Fashion, “Go Smell It on the Mountain,” won’t be as understated as my first foray into the olafactory arts.  In fact, it was inspired by the sort of woman who ensures that her perfume doesn’t go unnoticed.  She doesn’t just spray it on.  She pours it on!  Her religion is gorgeousness, and she worships at the altar of Zob herself, just like the naked, frolicking lesbians on the lovely Lalique perfume bottle in the photo above.

I haven’t actually started working on the scent itself.  I am quite fond of the fragrance of my Hansa rose, and it smells even more delightful than usual when I’ve had a bottle of champagne to myself.  So I believe I’ve already decided upon a top note and a base.  Now I just have to figure out how to work Kellie Pickler into the advertising campaign.  Eat your heart out, Kirsten Dunst!

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April 30, 2011 at 4:37 pm

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