Conspiracy Theory
I’ll be the first person to admit that the world inside my head can be far more interesting than the real world. However, I’m not really a conspiracy nut — at least I don’t believe I am.
Nevertheless, I’m convinced that pop superstar Lady Gaga and Canadian disco queen Patsy Gallant are the same person. Just imagine Gaga behind the piano in Gareth Pugh instead of the Pocahontas number Patsy is wearing and you’ll know exactly what I mean. And if you don’t see it, just picture those carpeted risers on fire. Still don’t see it? Then you must be blind. Lay off the paint remover, drunky!
Anyway, even their names are similar. Could Gaga be a wordplay on the name Gallant? Could it mean Gallant v2.0? Was Patsy Gallant an intergalactic robot sent from the future to infiltrate our species and study our planet, and is Lady Gaga that robot’s successor sent to earn our trust and admiration before her reptilian alien overlords beam down to earth in their attempt to enslave and possibly feast upon humanity?
Or maybe they just look alike. What do you think?
When Angels Smoke
Like a lot of other self-loathing people caught in a shame spiral, I watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night. I guess I wasn’t feeling inadequate enough . . .
Anyway, bodacious supermodel Behati Prinsloo was featured in the “Pink” section of the fashion show. I adore Behati and her kick-ass body, even though some people in the business believe she’s just a burger away from being cast on “The Biggest Loser.” So this morning I checked to see if anyone had reviewed the fashion show and Behati’s performance, and I found the article linked above on esquire.com.
It appears as if Behati is gaining exactly the sort of momentum that the top brass at Victoria’s Secret had in mind when they gave her a pair of wings. Straight guys are writing blogs extolling her virtues and calling her the next Heidi Klum.
Now that’s terrific for Behati, and I’ll admit that I saw it all along. She’s that girl-next-door/sex bomb combination that comes around once in a generation. But what I didn’t know is that Behati smokes! Until this morning, I had never seen a photo of her with a cigarette.
I’m so disappointed. This is the girl who I use a reference point when I’m comparing unhealthy bodies to healthy bodies. I think we need to hold an intervention. Where’s Christy Turlington when you need her?
Happy Birthday, Nelly Furtado
Happy birthday, Nelly Furtado. You know, if we were kids in junior high school, I’d probably be calling you “Smelly Fartudo.” Don’t worry — it’s a term of endearment!
Poker Smize
I had a bizarre dream last night. I was playing Texas Hold’em with Tyra Banks. After the flop I had four eights. I limped in with a small bet trying to coax her into making a big bet. She went all-in, and I quickly called. The turn and the river followed, and out of nowhere she went from having nothing to having a royal flush, beating my nearly unbeatable hand.
Now if you’ve never played poker, the odds of either of those hands coming up are rather slim. The odds of them coming up at the same time are astronomical. Furthermore, Tyra would have been foolish to push all-in at that point in the hand since she didn’t yet have a hand to defend. That should have been my move, only I was trying to feign weakness to entice her into playing a hand that should have been folded.
But she went all-in and got a once-in-a-lifetime hand, beating my hand in the process. And then she looked at me like she knew what she was doing, with not a hint of weakness in her smize.
Any amateurish psychological interpretations of this dream would be appreciated.
Happy Birthday, Charlene Tilton
Happy birthday, Charlene Tilton. I got his photo from the official “Dallas” website where I also read about Lucy Ewing’s dating history. Her first boyfriend turned out to be her uncle, her second boyfriend was gay, the third was a con man, the fourth was a pauper, the fifth was a psychopath, the sixth went into a coma, etc. Wow — what a role! As the song goes, “they don’t write like that anymore.”
Happy Birthday, Kaley Cuoco
Happy birthday, Kaley Cuoco. I have a funny story about an argument I had regarding you while I was working at Teen Vogue. I’m glad that you’re doing so well professionally, because it means that I won.
Battle of the Superhunks: Round Eight
Bouncing around from magazine to magazine — publishing’s equivalent to bedhopping — has earned “Elle’s“ Joe Zee the reputation of fashion’s bad boy. Will he love you and leave you? Probably. Would you get on your hands and knees and beg him to come back? Definitely.
Working for Fairchild publications for most of his life has sheltered Patrick McCarthy from the rest of the fashion world, much like the way a naive Amish teenager is sheltered from the world until the day he takes a bus to the big city where he soon finds himself cage dancing at a nightclub in nothing but a thong. There are more similarities to their stories than differences!
The TyraScope: Vlada Roslyakova
Casting Special Comments: “Normally we only allow American girls to try out for the show, but with Russian models dominating the catwalks of the world, I had an entire orphanage flown over from Omsk, Siberia. That’s where we found Vlada. The rest of the orphans are working as unpaid interns on the ‘Tyra‘ show.”
Obstacles to Overcome: Like many other girls who choose modeling as a profession, Vlada has learned to live with the stigma of being naturally thin. “Look at me!” she exclaims in a confessional. “I ate a can of frosting for breakfast and I still look like a freak!”
Probable Edit: Ostracized by the other contestants for wearing a babooshka and purring like a kitten on the phone to her American boyfriend, Vlada strikes back by earning a record number of first call-outs. Unfortunately, Tyra awards the title to a plus-sized, transgendered biracial butterfly with “all the potential in the world.”
Elimination Order: 2nd place.
Superhunks: Round Seven Results
Fashion expert and part-time longshoreman Robert Verdi completely dominated pretty-boy stylist Phillip Bloch in this week’s Battle of the Fashion Journalism Superhunks. It just goes to show you that a little testosterone goes a long way, and that a lot of testosterone goes even further. Seriously, was Verdi swimming in it?
Come back tomorrow for the final first-round battle before the quarter finals begin. The dreamiest hunks are yet to come!
Happy Birthday, Jackie Stallone
Georgina Holt & Jackie Stallone
Happy birthday, Jackie Stallone. I’m wearing a headband just for you.
