Archive for April 2012
Viva Las Vegas
Your old Auntie is off to sunny Las Vegas this afternoon! While I’m definitely up for some rest and relaxation, I’m also excited to see the new Topshop in the Fashion Show mall. I was just wondering where I could purchase a short, shiny purple skirt that makes my legs look like tree trunks. Oh . . . never mind.
I shouldn’t be so catty! Last time I was in Vegas I actually saw fewer gigantic people than I usually see there. I know that Canadians are known for being overweight, but Americans really take the cake. Not only do they take the cake, but they take the cake and then eat the whole thing, then they go back to the buffet for seconds.
Speaking of buffets, cramming my face full at the breakfast buffet might just be my favorite thing about going to Las Vegas. It may be a mistake to eat my breakfast from a trough, but it’s a mistake I make every day when I’m in Sin City. I suppose my behavior lends credence to that old saying “To err is human; to eat like a horse, equine.”
Anyway, I’ll be back in Canada on Thursday — hungover, broke and ten pounds heavier. Don’t miss me too much!
’til the Fat Lady Sings
If I didn’t see it with my own two eyes, I never would have believed it.
Seymone was sent packing on this week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion,” leaving four Brits vs. two Americans in the final six. I wasn’t at all upset to see the moody model dismissed after taking a horrible photo and swinging her arms like an orangutan while walking in the Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize runway show. I even laughed out loud when I was reminded of the phrase “It’s not over until the fat lady sings” when Seymone’s exit clip began with her nails-on-a-chalkboard delivery of the line “Hey, I’m Seymone” from the video shoot challenge. Yes — I’m a terrible person. But Seymone could have made me like her more. I have nothing against “fiercely real” girls. I was rooting for Toccara during her season!
Anyway, this may have been the most “high-fashion” episode in ANTM history. Georgina Chapman, Francisco Costa, Derek Blasberg, Sofia Sizzi and Hello Kitty all on the same show? I was quite impressed! I was also impressed once again by Annaliese who is getting a raw deal from the judges. Sophie took her worst photo to date and still placed ahead of Annaliese. The girl is doomed!
On the bright side, the judges keep telling Annaliese that she should be a television presenter. That’s nice of them to offer that sort of advice, but I believe that she should take that body of hers and try to make some money with it instead. The girl has the sexiest arms and shoulders I’ve ever seen. I would blindly accept whatever workout advice she gave to me — and I’ve been a personal trainer since 1986! All she would have to say is “do this and you can look like me,” and I would gladly empty my wallet into her hands.
Next week’s episode appears to feature worms. Worms! And I’m not just talking about the ones that have taken up residence in Kelly Cutrone’s gastrointestinal tract . . .
May 2004
Cover: May 2004
Context: On May 1, the largest expansion to date of the European Union takes place, extending the Union by ten member-states, including Poland, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Slovenia, Hungary, Malta and Cyprus. On May 6, the series finale of “Friends” airs on NBC. “New York Minute,” the first film to feature the Olsen twins as teenagers, debuts on May 7. On May 26, Fantasia Barrino wins the third season of American Idol, defeating Diana DeGarmo.
Points of Interest: For the first time since the magazine debuted in 1977, the title “FASHION” is allowed to stand alone on the cover.
What Tyra Would Say: “I can’t even begin to imagine what Sidney went through before she entered this competition. Still, the memories that haunt her to this day had nothing to do with this week’s photoshoot that features masked serial killers terrorizing the models in an edgy, high-fashion way. Here’s Sidney’s best shot.”
What Auntie Fashion Says: Every time I read the phrase “all about” (“Spring’s All About Dresses and Skirts“), I want to punch someone in the head. It’s the laziest trope in journalism.
Grade: B.
Happy Birthday, Penélope Cruz
Happy birthday, Penélope Cruz. The good news is that you’ve finally won my approval with your recent PETA ad. The bad news is that you still dated Tom Cruise . . .
Happy Birthday, Maura West
Happy birthday, Maura West. I pray for the day that you’ll return to my television screen — hopefully in something worthy of your talent. If you would just stop having children and focus on your old Auntie’s needs for a change . . .
Happy Birthday, Tom Welling
Happy birthday, Tom Welling. I wish that I could tell you I was a big fan of “Smallville,” but that would be a lie. Call me old-fashioned, but I just can’t get behind a superhero who isn’t wearing Spandex . . .
Wear a Gown to Work Day is Only One Month Away
The most exciting day of the year on the fashion calendar is almost here!
Of course, I’m not talking about that snotty Met Gala (which is probably just another front for recruiting unsuspecting celebrities to Scientology, anyway). I’m talking about Wear a Gown to Work Day!
I founded Wear a Gown to Work Day a few years ago when I was walking past a rack of ridiculous prom dresses at a local Sears store. I took one look at the bedazzled, polyester concoctions and said to myself “Dear Mother of Zob! Why do women go to such great lengths to dress up for special occasions?” I suppose that I had already concluded that fashion is either a part of your life or it isn’t; there’s really no point to pretending that you’re a glamourpuss when you know that you’re not.
But a moment later I started to reconsider that conclusion. If I’m going to pretend to be a champion of fashion, I’m going to have to learn to be accepting of all fashion, including special occasion dressing. It’s not up to me to tell anyone when it’s appropriate to wear a gown. Whether it’s prom night, your wedding day, New Year’s Eve or the night of the Met Gala, if wearing a gown makes an occasion special to you, no one should rain on your parade — especially a crotchety old hag like me.
Fashion is frivolous. It’s one of the least important things in our lives. Still, it makes life a lot more enjoyable (and for some of us it makes life worth living). That’s why I dedicated a day to the frivolity of fashion and the most frivolous of all garments: the gown. So remember to wear one to work on Friday, May 25, 2012, whether you’re slinging hash at the local Waffle House or smuggling hash into your local airport. Celebrate the fact that most of us live in a society where we are so blessed that we can actually waste our time wondering what we’re going to wear. We’re so lucky to have fashion in our lives!
Happy Birthday, Len Goodman
Happy birthday, Len Goodman. Just a seven? I knew my friend Rusty shouldn’t have taken his shirt off . . .
Happy Birthday, Jean Paul Gaultier
Happy birthday, Jean Paul Gaultier. You know, I’ve been called the enfant terrible of fashion blogging. Of course, they said things like that about Rhoda Penmark, too, and look at her now . . .
Think of the fans, Tyra . . .
Anyone who reads my blog knows that I have a sore spot when it comes to reality shows that cast people to be on other TV shows. My personal experience with “Fashion File Host Hunt” turned me into the jaded old hag I am today. One day you’re a fresh-faced ingenue ready to take your turn in the spotlight, and the next day you’re Naomi Watts rotting corpse in “Mulholland Drive.” Sigh . . .
Still, I can’t think of a better way for Tyra Banks to bring her former superfans back into the fold besides producing a reality show to fill Nigel Barker’s seat on the judges’ panel of “America’s Next Top Model.” If the show has been suffering for the past few cycles, it’s because of its lack of self-referential humor. At its peak, it was the guiltiest pleasure on televsion. Then it became the show that everyone loved to hate. Recently, however, it’s become the show that everyone hates. Dropping ratings aren’t the only problem. The fan forums that I used to haunt at “Television Without Pity” were once the funniest places to hang out on the Internet. Lately, they’ve become a ghost town. It’s not even that much fun to mock the show anymore.
The problem is that no one can hold up a mirror to Tyra. Like almost any CEO who has graduated from Harvard Business School, she prefers to be surrounded by yes-men. The one thing that would make me love the show again would be to see someone seated beside her who not only knew everything about the history of the show, but also someone who could keep Tyra’s ego in check. She needs some serious snark in her life. While I’m not really a fan of people who always see the proverbial glass as half-empty, I’d rather listen to the cynical ranting of a bitchy superfan than the half-baked drivel that comes out of the mouths of the current crop of judges.
The worst thing about “ANTM” is that it has always failed to recognize its failures. By casting a fan to sit next to Tyra Banks and remind her that she hasn’t yet reinvented the wheel, the show might find its model-like legs again. For now, though, it’s barely got a leg to stand on, and that leg is thick and stumpy, and it’s wearing flats to a go-see, and it still hasn’t learned its angles, and it’s losing its spark . . .
Auntie Fashion 
