Archive for December 2011
Over the past few months, we’ve seen fruit prints on the runway at Stella McCartney, vegetable prints and pasta earrings at Dolce & Gabbana, a meat dress on Lady Gaga, what looked like a giant block of Christian Dior Haute Couture cheese on Katie Perry’s head, etc. What we haven’t seen is a lot of fashion that you would really want to eat when you’re done wearing it.
But that’s about to change! Mark my words: 2012 is the year of the edible outfit! With trends changing overnight and fast-fashion chains knocking off runway looks before they ever hit the stores, designer clothes are going to have to play double-duty in our lives in order to remain relevant. Who wants to buy a dress that gets worn once and then sits in a closet forever? Not me! That’s why my New Year’s Eve dress is made entirely of spinach, artichoke hearts and mayonaisse, accessorized with a few well-placed cloves of garlic. Even better, my clutch is a hollowed-out baguette. Tomorrow morning I’m going to welcome in 2012 with a delicious dip made from the clothes I wore the night before. Jeez — I’m so brilliant sometimes, it’s scary!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go shopping for a new walk-in refrigerator . . .
Happy birthday, Don Diamont. I wish that you would come back to “The Young and the Restless.” You can play Brad Carlton’s long-lost brother, Howard Kaplan. Ashley deserves so much better than Tucker . . .
I spent the last ten years trying to emulate my fashion idol, Courtney Love. But it’s a new decade and there’s a new Courtney in town.
Enough with the botox and the fillers and the plastic surgery in the vain attempt to look younger! I’m going to take a page out of Courtney Stodden’s playbook and I’m going to try to look older. I suggest that you all do the same.
Seventeen is the new forty!
Happy birthday, Patti Smith. You remind me a lot of myself, only with a cigarette, stringy hair, unshaven armpits, bleary eyes . . .
Click the link above to check out these delightful 2012 fashion horoscopes written by my spiritual advisor, world-famous astrologer Greg Polkosnik. He’s as perceptive as he is dreamy!
Look, it’s two of my three least-favorite people in the fashion business on vacation together!
It’s likely that BeelZoeBub™ and the Evil AntiZob are spending their holiday in St. Barts because they just don’t get enough sunshine this time of year. Look at them! They’re white as ghosts! They need some sun!
Speaking of the sun, I’m not sure of the current whereabouts of that other big ball of gas on my least-favorite list, Kanye West. Nevertheless, there is rumor floating around that he’s moving to London to set up an atelier for his new fashion label. So that means that I not only have to stay out of New York, Los Angeles and St. Bart’s, but now I also have to add London onto my list of places I can never visit.
Over the past few months your old Auntie has tried to take the high road by attempting to not disparage the most heinous people in fashion. Just the other day I asked myself “How is that working for you?” Frankly, it ain’t. My astrologer has convinced me that 2011 was a year to draw back and keep my mouth shut, so I have no regrets about my behavior. However, he’s also convinced me that 2012 is my year to behave badly.
So the gloves are off. I’m still going to be taking the high road, but I’m going to be driving a tank instead of taking public transportation, supposedly in the name of the greater good. This year I’m the greater good, and my New Year’s resolution is to be as obnoxious as Marc Jacobs, Rachel Zoe and Kanye West. Whatever they’re doing, it’s working!
Suppose you’re sitting at your cluttered desk in a dark, dank cubicle somewhere deep in the bowels of a bank in Green Bay, Wisconsin, smelling of beer, cheese and African Essence 3-in-1 Control Wig Spray, wondering what you can do to make this upcoming year just a little less miserable than the last thirty-something years of your so-called life. Well, don’t despair, because your old Auntie Fashion knows exactly what you need to do to make 2012 your best year ever! It’s time to ditch that old Tootie wig you’ve been wearing for the last decade. This year is all about the Super Tootie!
The Super Tootie is a longer, silkier, more sophisticated version of the Tootie, and it’s my pick for the breakout hairstyle of 2012. What’s more, its inward curl gives the impression of a tightly-controlled smile — a smize with your hair, if you will. Wait . . . it’s even better than that! It’s like a super smize with your hair!
So what are you waiting for? Put down that Sylvia Plath book and put a lid on that bottle of pills. With a sassy new Super Tootie, you’ll regain your spark faster than Tyra Banks can turn a contestant’s heartbreaking personal confession on an episode of “America’s Next Top Model” into an inspirational story of how she overcame the odds to become the showbiz legend she is today. Hooray!